May 30, 2009

Looking For My Niche...Have You Seen It?

If you look at the blogs I follow, most are from SAHMs, with young children...something I am not. Others are from real foodies, creating and modifying recipes with great success - again, I'm not quite there. I appreciate the passion expressed by these two distinct groups of women, but my passion does not register on their yardsticks.

Or any yardstick. I seem to be in limbo here (not just in Blogland, but also in life). I don't know what my passion is, or what it should be. It seems I dabble in this and that and stumble around in that, not accomplishing anything that matters in a longterm sense.

I used to work, now I'm unemployed (19 months since I've had a fulltime job in my field). I used to be a single mom; for eleven years, I've been dealing with the autistic, bipolar boy all by myself, and earning a living for us. Now I'm married to someone who is very, very good to me and the boy, my worries and stress are more than sliced in half with my husband's help and loving support. I can sleep at night, my burden is lifted (and I'm so grateful for that). Sure, he can be bossy, and expects a lot...and I just barely reach that bar.

I don't live near any of my family, and I haven't really made any friends here since I arrived 11 months ago. Let me say that crowds make me wanna run in the opposite direction; I am socially awkward in a group of more than, say, five or six. I haven't made any real attempts to expand my social horizon. I've isolated myself.

In the past, I've moved around a lot, and have been eager to explore my new territory. I love to drive aimlessly, and figure out how to get where I need to go.

But not this time. I've only had a car since January, so maybe I missed the exploration window of opportunity. Now I've wimped out by buying a GPS, and yet, I rarely go anywhere besides the grocery story and the library, or taking my son to his appointments.

What the hell happened to me? Where did I go?

And yet I don't feel unhappy, exactly. Lonely, yes, at times. Unmotivated, definitely (code language for lazy, I fear). I don't wanna turn into a whiny lump who has nothing to add to a conversation...but I feel that's the road I'm on.

I'm becoming "vanilla", I am a beige woman fading into the background here. Purposeless. Useless. Invisible. Unrecognizable to myself.

I've lost my passion. My mojo. My niche.

2 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you as I read this post. I fall into the 'SAHM w/young children' category. My girls are almost 2 and 3. I can relate to the lost feeling. I am finally emerging as a person again, not just a wife and a mother.
    I hope you find your niche soon.

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  2. Sneaky Momma,
    I'm 52 here, I better get on the express train to Nicheland...I'm running out of time! :)

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