And my three kids have had to suffer for it.
I have been impatient. I've been mean. I've been unreasonable. I've been lazy, acted impulsively, and been dead wrong.
I've trusted when I should have maintained vigilance, have misjudged situations and been completely incorrect in my assumptions.
I've been a total disaster, at times.
I've said words in anger that I still wish I could take back. I've overlooked things that should have been dealt with immediately.
I've spent money unwisely, I've neglected my parental duties. I've tolerated things I shouldn't have, and over-reacted to things that didn't matter. I've even been crazy with anger and frustration. I've chosen men badly.
My children have suffered through my depression, have had to tiptoe during my migraines, and waded through the clutter that sometimes overwhelmed our home, and our life. They had to adjust, time and time, to new homes and schools and neighborhoods as we moved from state to state, in my attempt to be gainfully employed.
And oh, how I am sorry for every one of my sins. I'm sorry I'm not more patient, kind and just plain smart. I wish I could predict, and prevent, and successfully kiss or shoo away every hurt, every wound, both physical and mental.
I wish I WERE June Cleaver, and Mary Poppins, Carol Brady, all rolled in one; one of those cool moms who knows how to dress, and what to say. One who has it all together, and is fun and funny, and always has fresh baked goodies and delicious food in the house, and interesting craft projects and witty stories to share.
Then I would be practically perfect in every way.
But, flawed though I may be, there has never been a second when I didn't love my kids with a fierceness that I didn't know I could possess. Never a day when I wouldn't have died for them, wouldn't have ripped out an organ if they needed one.
Each day I am amazed by them (yes, and many days, annoyed). Each day I worry about how I could have done better, how I can improve things.
Every day, I love them more.
What's even more amazing? They love me back.
Thanks, kids. I needed that.