August 25, 2009

Forgive Me Children, For I Have Sinned

I've been at this motherhood game for a long time (longer than some of you have been alive). Let me just say that I have royally screwed up, plenty of times.

And my three kids have had to suffer for it.

I have been impatient. I've been mean. I've been unreasonable. I've been lazy, acted impulsively, and been dead wrong.

I've trusted when I should have maintained vigilance, have misjudged situations and been completely incorrect in my assumptions.

I've been a total disaster, at times.

I've said words in anger that I still wish I could take back. I've overlooked things that should have been dealt with immediately.

I've spent money unwisely, I've neglected my parental duties. I've tolerated things I shouldn't have, and over-reacted to things that didn't matter. I've even been crazy with anger and frustration. I've chosen men badly.

My children have suffered through my depression, have had to tiptoe during my migraines, and waded through the clutter that sometimes overwhelmed our home, and our life. They had to adjust, time and time, to new homes and schools and neighborhoods as we moved from state to state, in my attempt to be gainfully employed.

And oh, how I am sorry for every one of my sins. I'm sorry I'm not more patient, kind and just plain smart. I wish I could predict, and prevent, and successfully kiss or shoo away every hurt, every wound, both physical and mental.

I wish I WERE June Cleaver, and Mary Poppins, Carol Brady, all rolled in one; one of those cool moms who knows how to dress, and what to say. One who has it all together, and is fun and funny, and always has fresh baked goodies and delicious food in the house, and interesting craft projects and witty stories to share.

Then I would be practically perfect in every way.

But, flawed though I may be, there has never been a second when I didn't love my kids with a fierceness that I didn't know I could possess. Never a day when I wouldn't have died for them, wouldn't have ripped out an organ if they needed one.

Each day I am amazed by them (yes, and many days, annoyed). Each day I worry about how I could have done better, how I can improve things.

Every day, I love them more.

What's even more amazing? They love me back.

Thanks, kids. I needed that.

11 comments:

  1. There is no better mother for your children than you.

    To err is human.

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  2. Hindsight is always 20/20.

    What matters is that you love your kids. And, that's all they'll really remember in the long run anyway.

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  3. You are exactly the mother God chose for them to have. And love outlasts everything!

    Great post!

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  4. Having grown up hating my parents for the most part, I consider it lifes greatest gift that my children love me...through the teen years and still into adulthood. I know just how you feel here. And there are no perfect parents, not even June Cleaver.

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  5. I needed to hear this. I get down sometimes wishing I could be better and do better...but you just helped to remind me that I am doing my best and that is what matters.

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  6. You are an awesome mom and I bet your kids would agree in every way! Unconditional love is the best huh?

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  7. June, Carol and Mary are all works of fiction. If they really existed, June Cleaver would be OCD, Mary Poppins would be schizo (I mean really, who the hell can fly with an umbrella??) and Carol Brady would be a super slut. Try not to be so hard on yourself and just take your own advise from here on out.

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  8. yep, you got my vote, and am pretty sure lot of others....

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  9. There are so many time I have felt this way and wished I could have a redo. I wish I had been more patient and more kind. I wish all the things that you do but the miracle is that they know how much they are loved and they love me warts and all. God gave them to us and with His help we can only do the best we can, on any given day. Some days are just better than others. LOL

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  10. If we were perfect our kids wouldn't be! That's what makes them perfect is growing with us and learning and just having fun!

    Our learning and little imperfections are what make us perfect in their eyes! Can you imagine life being perfect how dull!

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  11. Mom, if it weren't for my warped childhood, I would not be the person I am today. :) No worries. I turned out ok.

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Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!