December 31, 2009

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept - 12/31/09

It's time for Mama Kat's final Writer's Workshop for 2009. Here are the prompts:

1. Your pet wants to guest post on your blog.
(inspired by Matthew at Child’s Play x2)

2. You wake up one day with an unusual super power that seems pretty worthless—until you are caught in a situation that requires that specific “talent.”
(inspired by Writer’s Digest)

3. Write about a speech you gave at a wedding.

4. Write a letter to someone you received poor customer service from.
(inspired by Lynsey from Sassy & Southern)

5. This time I really MEAN it! It’s time to list your New Year’s resolutions for 2010.
(inspired by Margaret from Nanny Goats In Panties)

This week, I am doing prompts #2 and #4.

I feel I MUST do prompt #4 first, even though my hands are all sticky from cleaning up syrup that had spilled in my refrigerator and I'm getting my new laptop keys all gooey. I am so upset right now, I must get this off my chest. So, without further ado (other than to insert my tongue firmly in my cheek),

#4 - Write a letter to someone from whom you received poor customer service (hey, I'm all about good grammar here, hence the re-vamping of the prompt)

Dear World-Famous Blogger Chick (you know who you are),

I know we're not BFFs or anything, but I thought I was being kind and supportive (though other small-minded folks might interpret my actions as nosy and spiteful) when I sent you a very nicely-worded email about my impression that your NEWFANGLED, highfallutin' site was loading a bit slower than your old site.

I know, you went all Word-Pressy on it, and it looks superb - I just wanted to let you know that I was having a less than perfect visitor experience, and didn't want your legions of loyal followers to desert you faster than rats on a sinking ship because the friggin' site doesn't load in the time it takes me to put clothes in the washer and take a leisurely bathroom break. Whatever.

Here's the actual text of the email I sent:

Subject: Maybe I'm just being crabby, but...
...
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:22:27 PM
From:
...
To:bigfancyblogger@gmail.com

/contextual_shortcuts.css" type="text/css" media="all">
Ms. Bigfancyblogger,

Has anyone else mentioned to you that your new site is slow to load?

Of course, I have the patience of a gnat for computer slowness, so maybe it's just me.

I really must get a life.

June Freaking Cleaver

I was my usual, pleasant, self-deprecating self. It was witty, and it got the point across. Oh, and the first question? I phrased it that way so I could totally blame someone else.

Her response?


Re: Maybe I'm just being crabby, but...
...
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:40:57 PM
From:
...
To:
June Freaking Cleaver

WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU MEAN MY SITE IS SLOW?? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S SLOW........YOUR BRAIN!!!! NOW GET OVER IT AND WAIT IN LINE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!!!!

I mean, THE NERVE! No 'hey there, June', and ALL CAPS! I hesitate to mention the multiple exclamation marks (like HER sentences are so much better than MINE), and no 'Thank you, June'...at all. And she didn't even sign her name. I know you're all in agreement with me, this woman is a menace to blogdom, and MUST BE STOPPED.

If any of you desire a copy of said email, just let me know.

And really, I'm NOT A HATER. Hers was one of the first blogs I ever followed, and I read it religiously. I usually love all of her posts about her children (and her audacity to think that EVERYONE is interested in that stuff, it's not like we're all BREEDERS, ya know). Her entire extended family is even on my prayer list every night, I'm that committed (or should be).

Mama Kat, whatever did I do to deserve such treatment? Or do you treat everyone like that? Most importantly, does Ellen Degeneres know?

Brokenhearted,

June Freaking Cleaver

p.s. I LOVE your new format! Thanks so much for sending me that nasty email at MY request, so I'd have a poor customer service experience to write about! You rock!

Now that I've poured my heart out, here's my submission for prompt #2 - My Worthless Super Power, and How it has Helped to Keep Folks Looking Good (before Mama Kat denies me linking privileges).

Ya know how you feel like a wardrobe malfunction expert when you lose a button, or a hem comes loose? How many of us actually carry a needle and thread around for those awkward moments?

Well, folks, I'm your go-to gal. I have the uncanny ability to find needles in haystacks. Let me explain. I don't have to actually LOOK for any needles, THEY FIND ME. I seem to attract the little sharp suckers. You'd be shocked if you knew how much I spent in Band-Aids since this all started.

I've been to several physicians about this 'power' - at first it really bothered me, so I sought guidance from the experts. Leading authorities at Whatsamattayou Hospital and Convalescent Center have determined that my powers come from my magnetic personality...and the 5-inch metal plate in my head.

So, I've decided to turn my powers into a little business venture, and you too can benefit from my unusual abilities. Oh, don't scoff...you'll thank me when your size-too-small pants rip when you bend over, or when that button on your waistband flies off and almost takes your kid's eye out.

Just call me; I have a constant supply of needles available for your convenience. Since I've discovered this super power, I've begun wearing a utility belt that contains 256 different colors of thread just for sewing emergencies. Wearing those puce Daisy Dukes with a tear in them? Got ya covered (more than the shorts do, let me tell ya).

Did you pull the button thread on Junior's new winter coat, only to have that button fall on the sidewalk? Well, pick that button up - I can send you the needle and thread you need, right on the spot.

Through the magic of telekinesis, I can use my mind to transport the requested needle and thread to you for a small shipping charge (neurons don't come cheap). I am now listed in the Yellow Pages, and you'll find me on Google and bing.

I'm even thinking of posting my latest picture (new hairstyle, ladies) in my online ad, along with my cell phone number.

Call Anytime

1-800-PINHEAD

What do you think?

Please be sure to stop by Mama Kat's for all the fun!

13 comments:

  1. I love the idea of the utility belt that will hold that much thread! Obviously you would have to have some sort of order to them...like arranged by color.

    And wow, Mama Kat put you in your place didn't she?

    Happy New Year! I have been reading your blog and finally clicked that little button that says "Followers"...Duh...shoulda done that a long time ago!

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  2. Huh not sure what to say about the first prompt, it was funny though. I liked your ad for your new business though, very natural no need for photo shop. Happy New Year!

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  3. Seriously? Someone seriously had a come back no better than one of a five year old? I can't believe that any adult would act like that and you're much nicer than I am because I totally would have linked and shared the name and what not.

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  4. I'm not too sure about the new hair style, but have you considered an additional career in acupuncture - I hear they are always short of needles.

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  5. You just gave one "non breeder" a case of the LOLs!

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  6. Very funny. About wordpress... I am not in love with it : ) I don't really drool over it and I am pretty sure you will never find me switching : ) Unless I become a famous blogger and Wordpress PAYS me to use their blog : )

    I hope you all had a great Christmas in your neck of the woods. Happy New Year!

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  7. Ok that picture completely freaks me out!!

    Just stopping by to wish you a Happy New Year!!

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  8. Ah, Man. I thought Mama Kat was nice. Darn it.

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  9. LOL about your customer service experience!

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  10. See I told you they'd believe you!!

    You really are slow though. ;)

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  11. That's Mama Kat. Always out to please. Giving you blog fodder on demand like that and everything. I can totally hear the laughter in her response to you. It was a joke, correct?

    Good luck with that syrup, one of my personal worst clean up nightmares.

    Happy New Year.

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  12. That Mama Kat ... what won't she do for the sake of comedy. (And I do think the new blog is a tiny bit slow as well ... I did notice that. Totally not digging for blog fodder.)

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  13. I'm both relieved and disappointed that your first accepted assignment was tongue-in-cheek. At first I thought you were talking about some OTHER world famous blogger and that it was no joke. Whew!

    MamaKat rocks with her sense of humor and I don't blame you for reading her all the time.

    Hope you have a wonderful new year and I appreciate the link love!

    - Margaret

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Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!