January 06, 2010

I'm Trading in My Apron!

Warning: Photo of scantily clad woman follows! Consider yourself warned!

I'm about to embark on a new adventure. I'm considering a new career, one that will allow me to meet legions of lonely, leering creepy adoring stalkers men. After all, in this economy, I am having absolutely no luck in finding a job in my field. It's time to diversify!

It just may take me a decade some time to get ready. And
the motivation for this career change? Why, our very own Jenners, from Find Your Next Book Here. I won her copy of Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper by Diablo Cody from one of Jenners' book giveaways. I'm so stoked! And really, I ask you - Who's a more unlikely stripper than your friend June here?

I'm starting to read the book TODAY; I figure I shouldn't delay my career research a single minute!

Here's my list of tasks to do before I start my new exciting career!
  • Lose an Oprah wagon full of weight
  • Turn the clock back about 34 years, before babies and stretch marks
  • Get all body parts lifted, sucked, tucked and enhanced to overcome the ravages of gravity
  • Dye my hair blonde (apparently, blondes DO have more fun)...can I get confirmation on this?
  • Become a regular reader of Memorize the content on http://www.stripper-faq.org/
  • Find an unlicensed surgeon to perform a lobotomy, effectively removing the burden of dignity and intellect from my frontal lobe
  • Two words: Brazilian wax!
  • Experience the joy of self-tanning creams
  • Install pole and learn how to pole dance
  • Find a geographic area with a predominance of needy, nearsighted geriatric men who haven't laid eyes on a woman since the Kennedy administration, who are blessed with overstuffed wallets and a lot of free time
Oh, I have my costume all figured out, too! What else would June Freaking Cleaver wear but this...

Yep, I typed 'crocheted pasties' in the Search box, and I hit pay dirt! Well, I'm off to Michael's - they're having a sale on yarn and crochet hooks!

5 comments:

  1. Are you going to post pictures of these transformations. Also a video of you practicing on your pole might help us critque your routine. What color yarn are you thinking of going with? Maybe add some rhinestones?

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  2. lol, you're hilarious!

    I hadnt even heard of this book but it's definetly going on my 'to read' list.

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  3. OK... based on this post, I'm going to rig it so you win ALL my book giveaways!!!

    This was priceless!! Enjoy the book as much I enjoyed this post!

    And if nothing else, you could change nothing and still work as a stripper and make money. As you'll see in the book, there is a type for almost every kind of stipper!

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