February 17, 2010

Mid-Week Snarkfest!

 Hey, it's over the hump day. I just felt like getting my snark on today. Note to readers: The following is heavy on the sarcasm, just cuz I like to play that way.


My blog, my rules, ok?

The Assessment to Justify My Existence in Blogland

Once upon a time, I used to have a "real" job - by "real", I mean that I was paid enough money to take care of my temporal needs, and the needs of my children. And I had benefits. And I showed up for work every day, on time, and neatly dressed.

In this real job of which I speak (actually, of which I type), once a year or so we had to create a list of what value we were adding to the department, the project we worked on, and the company, as a whole. I'd have to justify my existence. 

And at the end of our little exercise, we were told to write some goals that describe how we are improving ourselves in the next year.

I think now is a great time to justify my existence in Blogland. I want to detail why Blogger should NOT pull the plug on my account; how I should be allowed, nay, dare I say? - encouraged to continue expressing myself on this here blog. 

I thought I'd start with a bulleted list of my accomplishments:
  • I write stuff
  • I have followers who read said stuff
  • I then get to follow my followers, and read their stuff (but I slack off on commenting).
On this last point, let me add that I have a tremendous amount of curiosity about my fellow human beings. I am all into the whole human condition thing, for real. And for those of you who think I am just "nosy" - well, you're just haters. Please don't hate...elaborate! Tell me all your dirty little secrets, blog about recipes you've tried that have been top-notch; relate stories of your adorable children, your cranky husband, your annoyingly "helpful" mother-in-law.
LET ME LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU!

Sure, I could top your dirty secret, I've cooked way better than you on your best day, and let me tell you, in all honesty, your kids are NOT adorable - from what I read, they're brats, and need to meet the business end of a paddle.

I know for a fact that I could tell you husband stories that would curl the hair on your big toes. May you never have the poor spousal selection skills I have demonstrated in the past.

And mother-in-laws? That's easy, pick men with dead mothers. 'Nuff said.

In addition to living vicariously through you, listing your every fault, mistake, faux pas and deficiency on your blog lets me cultivate my self esteem just a wee bit. Let me tell you - I am such a loser, every little bit helps! I have absolutely ZERO wife and mother skills whatsoever (at least that's what I'm told at home, on a semi-regular basis)...do you think it may be true? I sure do! Every day, I wait for Barbara Billingsley herself to come and hit me about the head and shoulders with a rolling pin for deigning to sully the name of June Cleaver here. Of course, she was born in 1915, so I have little doubt that I could take her down in a pinch.

Oh, and the fact that I'm as old as (or older than) some of the mommy bloggers' mothers? It totally works for me. What better way to act more mature and far superior? I can always lord my decades of parental experience over you. Providing this much needed guidance to you aids my delusion that my menopausal symptoms of bloating, gas, and low interest in sex aren't any trouble at all. I and my sagging breasts thank you for that.

My blogging goals?
  • Write more stuff
  • Get more followers (I think 150 is a manageable goal at first, no?) No?
  • Read more stuff from followers (increasing my self-esteem)
  • Make my bloggy friends laugh
How'm I doin' on that last one? 

5 comments:

  1. Pick men with dead mothers HAHAHAHA that's is classic! I knew I did something wrong!!

    And I am among the poor spousal selection people as well...I think I got it right this time...actually got some "brats" out of this one haha But they are cute brats!

    Awesome post!

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  2. I think you are doing great on the last one. I love reading your blog. You are so correct and will tell it like it is. I'll admit I hate to cook and no one has starved in my family yet. I think as soon as they are old enough to walk and talk they are on their own. Everyone knows where to find me, I'll be at the computer or in the sewing room. Have fun.

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  3. You are doing well! Made me laugh for sure!

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  4. ...thanks for the smile today... I officially say you get to stay... as though my opinion really means anything! ; )
    but the fact that I actually left a comment this time should say something! goal number 4 accomplished for the day! : )

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  5. I personally feel the reason my blog is relatively successful is because I do make people feel better about themselves. Witness my latest haircut disaster. My posts allow people to walk away and think "Well, at least I don't have a haircut that is that awful."

    And I think you are funny! : )

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Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!