Last week, I called my sister-in-law to wish her a Happy Birthday (I never forget her birthday, it's the same day as mine). Anyway, she's telling me the GREAT news that her cancer is in remission, and relaying other family info.
Then, mid-sentence, she asks "Are you happy?", like it was something that was important for her to know at that very minute. I know she wants me to be happy, but I had the sense that she NEEDED for me to feel that way.
Even weirder yet was my response. "Yes, I'm happy" - and I didn't hesitate at all.
Why is this weird? Because I am often of the pessimistic persuasion. I am cynical, sarcastic - some people might describe me as downright negative. And I think too much - I over analyze situations, people and random comments I hear in everyday conversation. I obsessively look up stuff online, just to make sure I have all the factual details I need about news stories I hear on the TV.
I've been called the Google Queen...by more than one person.
Yet I had no need to take inventory of my feelings; to gauge how I'm feeling, to compute the "God, this day sucks" ratio compared to good days.
I'm happy. And I wanted her to know I was happy. I could determine that any current disagreements or inconveniences I encounter were just petty and recognize that I, indeed, am happy.
Even though The Mister and I are unemployed, and money is tight. Job prospects are non-existent. And the two of us are together, at home.all.the.time. And The Boy continues to have his challenges. And I'm far away from my daughters and their families. And I have no idea what I should be when I "grow up". Despite suffering from depression off an on for decades, even when times were easy.
Am I delusional? Maybe. Crazy? Perhaps.
Fat, dumb and happy? You bet.
If I start posting syrupy, sappy crap, or decorate my blog with unicorns and rainbows, or so help me God, start saying positive stuff about Kate Gosselin, promise that one of you will schedule an internet intervention - because then you'll know I've moved from happy to a very scary place.