August 02, 2010

First-Person Account of Nothing, But a Crime Was Committed Here

Contrary to what everyone may believe, I am NOT omnipotent.

I know, you're all shocked now - go ahead, get it out of your system. 

Likewise, I am NOT omniscient (in fact, I wasn't even sure HOW to spell the word "omniscient" until I looked it up).

Despite these deficits in my abilities, I'm still assumed to be 100% in control of The Boy, at all times - according to The Mister, whose superiority leaves me in a constant state of awe.

Sunday's crime? Theft of cookies...damned good cookies.
The person of interest? The Boy.

(His mug shot was unavailable at press time).

This is The Boy who can eat himself into a stupor, the child who may get up in the middle of the night, polish off a couple of pounds of leftovers (by leftovers, I mean meat) - and then stumble back to bed to sleep off his gluttony.

The Mister went to the store on Sunday. The Boy asked if he could go along. That almost NEVER happens - The Boy and the Evil Stepfather try to avoid close contact at any cost.

Apparently, during this shopping trip, The Mister purchased a package of Chips Ahoy cookies that contained Reese's peanut butter cup chunks (or morsels, or bits). However the chocolate/peanut butter yumminess was dispersed throughout that cookie, they are DELICIOUS.

Aren't they beautiful? (Jury, be advised that this is Exhibit A).

Unbeknownst to me, the cookies remained in the van for safekeeping. Think of the van as Ft. Knox.

This evening, The Mister goes out to the van to fondle and gather his treasure for consumption.

THE COOKIES ARE GONE!

The logical suspect (in fact, the ONLY suspect) in The Mister's mind, is The Boy. I am accused of not watching him every second, giving him the opportunity to scamper out to the van and confiscate and consume the cookies.

Think about it a minute - just how is The Boy, clever though he may be, able to get into a LOCKED VAN? Hmmmm?

The Mister has accused, tried and convicted The Boy, all based on prior bad acts. In an actual court of law, The Boy's previous crimes could be deemed prejudicial, and not admissible at trial.

But in THIS kangaroo court, The.Boy.did.it.and.it.is.MY.FAULT.

Here is the logic behind MY guilt:

I gave birth to The Boy; he is my son. Therefore, I am responsible for his every act, even when I am not in the area, or I am sleeping, or, God forbid, even if I am abducted and probed by aliens.

IT IS ALWAYS MY FAULT.

I am a negligent parent. I am too lenient. I always believe that The Boy is innocent (until proven guilty).

In an effort to reach the truth (and clear at least MY name, because I am pretty sure The Boy IS the culprit), I knock and enter the alleged thief's lair. He is asleep. I urge him to wake up and, giving him the third degree, demand that he tell me where the cookies are.

Under duress and during a period of extreme fatigue, The Boy admits his theft, and informs me that the package is in the van...minus the cookies that are traveling through his digestive tract at this time.

(Jury, it was already stipulated that the defendant's stool sample will not be necessary to confirm that he had the cookies in his possession. And even though it may seem that the defendant's confession was coerced - ok, you're right, it WAS coerced. Deal with it). 

Justice ain't always pretty, people.

When were the cookies consumed? When The Mister was driving back from the store.

I HAVE BEEN VINDICATED (if you prefer, you can interpret it as "Ha, ha, told ya so!"). 

I considered doing the Happy Dance (or at least considered spiking a football in victory)...but then I thought about my being accused so vehemently...and yes indeed, The Boy, once again, did the crime.

I totally understand why defense attorneys don't ask their clients if they committed the crime - it's impossible to mount a good defense if you know they are guilty.

Punishment must be meted out now - I think The Boy and The Mister both need to do hard labor - I'm going to suggest laundry duty.

I think I also deserve two apologies.


Like that'll happen.
 

8 comments:

  1. OMG!! So Funny! And, I have something to say to The Mister, as well.....Ummm, if The Boy had not eaten them WHEN he did....the cookies would certainly have been reduced to warm mush, staying inside a thousand degree van all day!! Yeah, take that! :D

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  2. This is funny, is a sad sort of way. I don't know how old the boy is, or how long you and the mister have been together, but I think they need to patch things up and become friends. Hopefully they will both be in your life forever, and bickering can suck all the joy out of it. IMHO

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  3. oh wow. your husband didn't even notice him eating all the cookies. hahahahaah, he owes you a big time apology

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  4. Are you SURE I wasn't over at your place? 'Cause I've been known to consume a whole bag o' Chips Ahoy in one sitting. That, and Thin Mints from the Girls Scouts...

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  5. Oh those look delicious!!! Where have they been all my life??? I totally need to find some...hmm...(trip to walmart in schedule tonite!)

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  6. I think The Mister needs to get his hearing checked if he didn't hear all these cookies being eaten on the ride home!!

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  7. This is too awesome for words.

    *Giggling*

    Those cookies DO sound amazing.

    The Bottomless Pit is already starting this blame-game nonsense with The Cute...who just happens to be a bottomless pit of a baby. ('She does this shit on purpose and you're too easy on her!')

    The Cute is the first person in my man's 25 year life span who has been able to annoy HIM. A gift from God, I call her. ;D

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  8. That was soo funny, I love the way you wrote this.
    Unfortunately if cookies go missing in this house I have no one to blame but myself!

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Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!