I hate clothes shopping - no, strike that. I hate shopping in general, unless it involves wandering aimlessly in a bookstore. But even then, I have my limits.
I shop like a sniper.
Know your target. In this case, it is a dress. Devise your strategy. Pick a store that has the type of dress you're looking for. Arrive at the kill site. Drive to the (GASP) mall. Take down the target. Pick out a suitable dress. Try it on if you must. Make your escape.
If the planning goes well, I can have that dress selected, tried on, purchased and in the car within an hour, which is my time limit in a shopping mall.
The gorgeous Tammy is going to her 10th high school reunion on Saturday, and wanted to buy a new dress for the occasion.
Here is HER story that details how REAL women shop.
She's my shopping hero...and I know she made The Mister a proud father in her endeavors.
Here is Tammy's own account. Tammy's words are in italics. My snarky comments appear below, in red).
I went to Macy's (originally to buy a coat). I signed up for one of their credit cards to save 20% off my purchase! The cashier had told me that I could come back the next day and save an additional 20% off ANYTHING in the store. No exceptions! How exciting! Just what we need in the family, another crazed coupon shopper.
Having been brought up by The Mister, I knew I had to take advantage of this discount. Or she'd never hear the end of it from The Mister.
After work on Monday, I returned to Macy's to get the dress for my upcoming high school reunion. As the mother of a wittle Winklebean (aka Seth), I still am one gorgeous and hot mama, and I am going to show off my assets at the reunion. Here's to all the guys who rejected me during those awkward years!
I picked many dresses off the racks at Macy's, many on sale, but even better, many were on clearance. The Mister would be so proud of my refusal to even try on a dress at regular price!
I tried on the first dress. Nope. The second...nope.
Why is it that ALL women's bodies are completely different? Uhh, because designers make dresses for coat hangers with skin?
Of course, I looked absolutely gorgeous in every dress I tried on, but for this occasion, I was looking for WOW.
I managed to narrow my pile to three dresses. Now we're talkin'. I'd be done in fifteen minutes.
Dress #1: A black number number, full skirt. Can be worn off the shoulder. I was unable to zip the dress myself - I needed reinforcements. I moved on. I'd reject any dress I couldn't get into myself. See how easy it is when you use my method?
Here's a closeup of the dress (sorry, Macy's, we found the pic at Nordstorm's).
Dress #2: A purple sleeveless dress with a high neck and skinny belt. Cute. It's similar to this dress here.
Dress #3: A 'VA VA VOOM' tight black number that hugged every curve. I was certain that my husband Frank would love it.
I had my three selections, all in the same price range. I called Frank (who was at Babies R Us with my little Winklebean/Seth). I asked him to stop by Macy's when he's done to help me decide which dress looked best.
While waiting for them, I go in search of a pink shirt that I can wear on Friday for 'Breast Cancer Awareness Day' at work. OMG, MORE shopping?
Have I mentioned that Macy's has a LOT of clothes?
I was able to find several suitable pink shirts. All of them made me look flushed, thanks to my Irish heritage.
I settled on a sleeveless, dark pink top which fit and looked great (of course). My next item to buy? A cardigan.
Who knew that a cardigan would be so hard to find in this store?
Frank and Seth arrive at Macy's and take their positions near the fitting room. It's time to show off my selections! Just imagine - a toddler sitting there, contented. Seth is THAT good.
Dress #1: Frank likes it! He tries to zip up the dress for me...and it won't budge. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten all my chicken teriyaki for dinner? This dress is out.
Dress #2: It's nice. I am NOT going for nice here. Next!
Dress #3: A big NO from Frank. He says I look like a mummy (a GORGEOUS mummy, but a mummy, nonetheless).
Shoot. All this searching, and not one winner. Frank suggests that I ask the cashier if they have Dress #1 in a larger size. I guess that means that he really likes that one.
The cashier is unable to find another size in her computer. I am prepared to pay for my shirt and cardigan and be on my merry way. Can you say, "bye bye to the big store? I'd be outta there.
The cashier then mentions that they do have a size 8 in NC, NY and CA. And they can order it to be sent to the local store.
But it won't arrive by Saturday.
Ok, I will pay for the shirt and cardigan and be on my merry way. It's about damned time, Tammy. I'm having shopping anxiety just typing this tale.
Frank then asks if the out of state stores will overnight the dress. Hmm, he must really like this dress.I think he just wants to get the hell out of Dodge.
He checks with the cashier while Seth and I visit the ladies' room. You know you've been shopping too long if it involves a bathroom stop.
For a fee, (of course), they can overnight the dress. See, he wants OUT.
I'm willing to pay the fee so that this dress shopping experience can be OVER. Finally, she's come to her senses.
The cashier calls the store in NC. No answer. They're closed, it's 9pm, Eastern time.
She tells me to call the NC store in the morning. But I will miss out on the 20% discount, which makes me sad.
Frank is off looking at coats by this time. I call him and tell him the bad news. His reply? "Wasn't there a store in CA with the dress?"
Huh? Wow, he has an ear for detail. A rare find, a man who listens.
The cashier calls the store (and Frank goes back to coat shopping). She's on hold for a long time. Finally, someone answers. The operator transfers to the dress department. And on hold again.
The dress is described, and the CA employee is off to find the dress. Tick tock, tick tock.
She looks through all the racks and the fitting room. She cannot find the dress. Oh well.
Finally, I have a thought. I ask the cashier, "Do you think you could zip the dress up for me?"
"Are you wearing Spanx?"
"Hmm, no. But that's a thought!" Trying to make commission on another sale, I see.
So I try the dress on and the cashier zips it up flawlessly. Look at that! A fabulous dress. A fabulous fit. I buy it, go downstairs - Frank is hemming and hawing about a coat.
I buy it, and the store lights go out. The store is now closed.
Thanks to your teachings, Mister.
I did not buy this dress at regular price, Dad. I got it on clearance PLUS an extra 20% off, PLUS 15% off for breaking in my Macy's card.
Are ya proud? Proud? Okay, I'll go with that. I'm exhausted, for sure - and all I did was suffer through the telling on the keyboard.
Now I gotta find shoes, damn it.
This shopping marathon lasted FOUR HOURS. With a toddler.
I'd rather have root canal without the benefit of anesthesia.
Did you ever notice that there's only one letter difference between Mister and Miser?
She's gorgeous, but I probably will not tag along on her next shopping trip.