I think I may have reached the end of the road on this blog.
It appears that if I write my true feelings about family matters, I have people upset with me.
And I hate feeling guilty.
I don't want the blog to be all sunshine and unicorns - that would be disingenuous, and make me feel physically ill for lying.
And I hate puking.
I'd like the blog to be MY truth, as I see it...whether that truth agrees with everyone else's opinion.
The Boy and I just returned from Phoenix. We saw my mom, probably for the last time. My feelings regarding the visit are complex. Even The Boy said that seeing Grandma was his favorite part of our trip, and also the saddest and scariest part.
I was sucker punched my own mortality on this visit.
My brother Gary and his wife Nancy were wonderful to us. They are a very happy couple - I'm glad they found each other, they both deserve every happiness. They are enjoying life to the fullest, even when life throws obstacles in their path.
I am not enjoying my life to the fullest. I am mostly existing.
This makes me sad.
And I hate crying.
I am ashamed of the opportunities I haven't taken, the miniscule risks I have avoided.
And I hate feeling shame.
I want more out of my blog.
I have some big thoughts to think about my blog - about who I want to be, and where I want to focus my energies...do I leave behind this blog, and June Freaking Cleaver?
Or is this blog my connection to a bigger world than the one I currently take up space in?
Who am I here to please, anyway?
Guess some of these questions aren't about the blog after all.