The other day, I got the weirdest phone call ever. God was on the other end of the line (he said he has me on speed dial). The conversation went something like this:
God: "Hello, June Freaking Cleaver. How are you?" Right away, I'm thinkin' telemarketer, what stranger calls and asks me how I am? He had an amazing voice, BTW. He sounded an awful lot like a cross between Charlton Heston and George Burns. You know - commanding, yet approachable.
Me: "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?"
God: "I'm just perfect, June, thanks for asking."
Me: "No problem. Anyway, who is this? I can't say that I recognize your voice."
God: "June, it's God. Surely you've heard of me...in fact I have heard you saying my name from time to time, and not always in a pleasing way. And I know for a fact, you used to be a regular guest at my house when you were younger."
Me: "Oh yea, that. Sorry about the cursing, God...and the whole absence at church thing. Sunday's are always so busy here." I figure I'll play along with the game the caller is playing.
God: "Not to worry, all's forgiven." I could actually hear the smile in his voice when he said that - and I did feel that he had forgiven me for my lapses. Weird. "I bet you're wondering why I called you today."
Me: "Well, now that you mention it, God, yes, I am pretty curious about you calling."
God: "Silly of me to ask - I know that already. You remember, I'm omniscient - I know everything about everything."
Me: "Where's Jimmy Hoffa's body then, huh? You think you're so smart." I was beginning to lose patience.
God: "June, that information is on a need-to-know basis, and, well, frankly, YOU don't need to know."
Me: "Oh, ok. Sorry again. So, why are you calling? It can't be to ask me anything, you already know all the answers."
God: "Bet you'd like me on your team for Trivial Pursuit, wouldn't you? But I digress. I really do have a reason for calling you today. Do you have time now? No, wait, I already know that answer."
Me: I laughed, this guy was strange, but funny. I didn't have anything pressing to do, so I continued to play along.
God: "June, I'm talking on my new iPhone, and my connection with Verizon can be a bit flaky. If you lose me, I'll call right back, ok? I wish people would quit saying that they love the iPhone, or they love any inanimate object, for that matter. You should never love anything that can't love you back. Of course I know that you say that all the time, I'm the one who put that thought in your head. Divine intervention is not just for the big stuff, June."
God: "I know you're still wondering why I called. You may think my reason is strange when you hear it, but I'll let you know what I'm thinking by the time we hang up, ok? Just trust me on this."
Me: "Ok, God, I'll try to keep an open mind."
God: June, I just really wanted to tell you the reasoning behind my decision to bring The Boy into your life. He paused for a moment, I assumed he was collecting his thoughts. And how does he know about The Boy? This guy is creeping me out.
God: "Why did I give you The Boy, with all his challenges? Well, for one thing, you never asked 'Why me'...not once in your life - even when things were tough. I liked your attitude. And I knew, deep down, that you always wanted a boy, so I figured it was time.
Me: "Really, God? Shannon was 19 and Erin was 16, they were almost grown up, you thought it was a good time to have a baby? I was almost done with this motherhood thing, and then I had to start all over."
God: "To be frank, June, I didn't create humans to be alone (if you read your Bible, you'd know this). I didn't want YOU to be alone, June. You needed The Boy, and The Boy needed you. And I did my best to prepare you for the challenges ahead. Remember that day, when The Boy was only a week or two old, and you were sitting on the bed, holding him - and you were suddenly filled with this sense of love and patience? I did that. I wanted you to know that you could handle whatever came your way. And you did a pretty good job. Not as good as I would do, of course, but you're human, and have free will - so every situation has been an opportunity to use the gifts I bestowed upon you that day. Remember how The Boy's birth made you, if I can borrow a phrase from President Bush I - 'a kinder, gentler' June?"
God: "And in your moves to other states, I've made sure that there were resources out there, if you just took the effort to look for them. I made sure there were caring people to help you both on your journey with bipolar disorder and autism. Remember, those people are human, too, so your mileage may vary."
God: "I don't know if you've noticed over the last couple of years, but things with The Boy have been getting better. Oh sure, we have the whole school arrest thing, but that worked out well in the end. I've noticed how grateful you are for The Boy's new school, and for The Mister, in your life...it's all part of the master plan, June. Have faith in me, I'm not going to forsake you."
God: "So, anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I really just wanted to call to tell you I love you, and that I think you're doing a pretty darned good job, all things considered. You shouldn't worry so much - you're never alone, I'm here to help you."
Me: "Thank you, God, for everything. I mean it. You've been great."
God: "No, no, thank YOU, June. I want to stress that I'm always here for you. Prayer is usually the best way to reach me nowadays. Don't try using *68 to find out my number, I block that option on my end. My iPhone sometimes drops calls, and I don't want to miss yours. Oh, and never pay some televangelist "seed money" to send prayers up to me - I hear all prayers, without a contribution...and those 'prayer cloths'? They're just rags - I wish humans weren't so gullible."
God: "Well, anyway, take care, June.It was so nice to talk to you. Eat healthier, get some exercise. Try to have some fun. Everything is going to work out as it should...it always does. Bye bye, June. Have a great day!"
Me: "Bye, God, it's been an interesting conversation, to say the least. Say hi to my dad, ok? Tell him we're all okay down here."
I hung up the phone and sat, I'm sure the look on my face could be described as stunned.
What would YOUR conversation with God be like?