August 09, 2011

I Quit - You Want the Job? It's Yours!

Courtesy of Castabigger.net
The Cleaver Compound is Hiring!
So that I can focus on freelance writing, social networking, blogging, reading and playing endless games on Facebook, I am looking for a replacement for me. Don't miss out on this crappy totally tongue-in-cheek outstanding opportunity!


1. Translator/Liaison/Middleman/Mediator Internship
We are looking for a mediator for dealing with sensitive issues among even more sensitive male residents. This is a contract position. Term ends when one of the parties moves out (some days, you won't care which one it is). 


Must tolerate salty language. Some sign language required - mostly just the middle finger. Must enjoy being screamed at.


Must enjoy interacting with challenging personalities, and be able to explain concepts to an adolescent who just doesn't give a shit. Must be patient, and listen to complaints from both parties - about both parties, and still remain impartial. Do not agree to terminate any existing marriage contract. Do not agree to cut off anyone's head in the driveway and wash away the blood with the garden hose.


Routine tasks:
It is important that you be able to have justifications ready at a moment's notice for all of the unreasonable behavior that is presented.


Eye rolling a must. Advanced negotiating skills imperative, even if you don't understand what the big freaking deal is. Must be able to handle insults without taking offense.


Under no circumstances are you ever to expect civil behavior between the two enemy combatants parties.


This is an unpaid position. Work schedule until the end of October: Thursday 7pm - Monday 5:30 am, other hours negotiable. You'd have to be insane to take this job. All applicants will be hired.


2.Comestibles Security Officer/Refrigerator Guard
We have an immediate need (and when I say 'immediate', I mean RIGHT NOW) for a full-time Comestibles Security Officer. Must be able to successfully hide packaged junk food. Must be willing to monitor refrigerator access every two hours (around the clock), perform quality control when school lunch is being prepared, lest too much lunch meat end up on the bread. 


Routine tasks:
Monitor all snacking done by adolescent, goal is to avoid him tipping the scale at 300 pounds in the immediate future. Portion control is a must. Secure all bottles of carbonated soda, preferably by strapping them to your body with duct tape. Be aware that ketchup is a food group, and ensure that it is protected from over-use.
When system security is breached, locate empty food containers and wrappers. Be sure to look in the trash cans, under the couch and under and between couch cushions. Agree wholeheartedly with adult male that The Boy is a selfish pig...and that every bit of bad behavior is my fault.


Work hours as of 8/16/11: Mon. - Fri. 3:30pm - 7:10 am; Sat. and Sun. - Always on duty. School holiday hours as necessary.


This is an unpaid position. You'd have to be crazy to take this job. All applicants will be hired.


Send resume and three (3) references to the email address provided on the 'Contact Me' tab. Operators standing by! Call NOW!

5 comments:

  1. You need at least ten people to do all you do, especially the communications specialist:) Life in the Cleaver Compound, huh? Some days are better than others in all households. Has school started yet?

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  2. Uh, gee....I was going to immediately apply for one of these jobs...but I couldn't find the "Contact Me" tab, so I guess I'll have to move on....

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  3. Got one of my own, so I'll have to politely decline..... Hugs :O)

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  4. This is a bit of brilliance … and no way in HELL will be I be applying!! ; )

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  5. Oh dang. I was just hired on at another place. Shoot. Because, your positions sound much more attractive.

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