December 05, 2011

When The Mister Says Dumb Stuff: Childbirth

The first time I met The Mister in person (we met online), he said, and I quote, "I say dumb stuff all the time."


Prophetic, that.


I may just have to turn this into a regular blog feature, because the man comes up with some doozies.


The other night, while lying in bed, we were talking about, of all things, childbirth.


Oh, don't fret. My eggs have left the building, so to speak. There will not be the pitterpat of little feet here, unless the grandkids come for a visit.


We were talking about the pain associated with pregnancy and childbirth - specifically about that magical time spent in labor and delivery.


A truly special, unforgettable event, no?


Based on my explanation of how childbirth feels, I attempted to explain the pain involved.


The Mister said, "I am sure it hurts, but not as much as you women make it out to be."


He may have also said something about women being sissies (but that could have been another conversation) - like he said, he says dumb stuff all the time.


He quoted something from Bill Cosby about grabbing your lower lip and pulling it over your head.


You know, the usual crap men spout when bitching about how women play up this whole pain thing.


Would any of you want The Mister's work address or phone number so you could "discuss" this issue?


I'm sure he wouldn't mind.


Then I got to thinking what life would be like if MEN had the babies.


Cue the dream sequence music.


Deliveries would never occur during major sporting events, the NFL draft or the day that Transformers movies were released.


Painkillers would be administered the moment the man-mother enters the hospital.


It would suddenly become manly to scream and cry in pain.


Father's Day would be a month-long celebration of the bravery and goodness that men-mothers possess. Medals would be dispensed for each man-mother, and if twins were born, the formerly laboring father would be the recipient of invitations to the Playboy mansion as well as a shopping spree at Home Depot or the local car dealership.


Governments would insist that men stay home with their children - at full pay and benefits - until the kids are ready to go to school. And all men would be issued perky-breasted au pairs to assist in the childbearing activities.


Health insurance would include benefits for tummy tucks and breast lifts to get the men-mothers back in shape.


Stretchmarks would become badges of courage. People magazine would insist that its '50 Sexiest Men' issue feature only the bravest of the childbearers.


What do YOU think would happen if men did the pregnancy thing? 


How much ya wanna bet that women would still get to change the stinky diapers?


6 comments:

  1. I always used to say that if men had every other baby, the biggest family would be 3 kids, if you started with the woman!

    Men are so funny!

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  2. Tell The Mister that was beyond stupid to say .. and the fallout shall be swift and immediate. I predict.

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  3. I think that that would probably happen. the poor babies

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  4. All too funny and all too true!!! :O)

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  5. Yeah, tell him he's right; he does say dumb things. Men moms, funny.

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  6. That's funny. I recall when I was asking the then husband to go get the doctor or a gun because I couldn't stand it any more (when in labor). He mentioned something to the doctor about how he can't believe I could really feel that awful. God love my doctor because he told him - "well, picture your balls in a vice-grip and you keep tightening it, that should give you a little idea." Husband then said, "Oh, yeah guess it does hurt."
    I'm pretty sure people would no longer exist if it were up to men to have babies.

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