January 30, 2012

I As Victim

I am the only one awake now. It is quiet. I sit here, holding a single sheet of paper and read the following:


You have certain judicial remedies for relief if you have been subjected to abuse.


Domestic "abuse" is a special statutory term that focuses on acts, attempts or threats by one "family or household member" against another.


I was pushed,my shoulders were grabbed and shaken, my arm was twisted and I was screamed at, directly into my ear (who knew that could hurt so much?).


Does it matter what set him off?


I feared that this day would occur - that The Boy would do me harm. My sister-in-law has been afraid of this for a long time.


I guess I've been in denial.


HE called the police from the neighbor's house and said that WE attempted to kill him.


I waited outside with The Boy, he told me that "I should look afraid" - so that The Mister would be arrested. The Mister never touched him. I never touched him.


I wondered if The Boy had moved from illness to evil with his lies.


I am the victim.


I did not press charges - it was surreal. It was sad. I'm not sure I did the right thing.


As victim, it was my decision.


My hand was shaking when I signed the police report.


The Boy helped me clean up glass shards - he had thrown a decorative dish across the room. The glass was spread through the living room, kitchen and hallway. I still haven't found the screwdriver he threw after he used it to slash a lampshade.


The police officer's shoes crunched on glass in the kitchen.


I just couldn't send The Boy to detention, he would not receive the care he needs.


He said that he doesn't deserve to live. 


I do deserve to live. I crave peace.


The Mister doesn't agree with my decision - he fears that he'll come home and I'll be dead. I had to promise that I'd do what I need to do to stay safe.


Nobody should ever have to make that promise about their own child.


I don't know where to go from here, other than I want to never be in this position again.


Maybe the day has come that The Boy can't live here anymore.


My muscles ache, as does my heart. I am sad.


I was not afraid for myself while this was going on. 


But I am afraid for him, and for his future...and I fear what would become of me if he has to be taken away.

7 comments:

  1. Sending you a great big hug, feel it?

    How can any parent know what to do? Is there a residential care facility that he could visit for a respite?

    The best thing is to escape the situation when it begins to escalate. No one can reason with an out of control person. Nan Wyatt of KMOX radio found that out the hard way when she demanded her husband give her the gun (because she knew him so well) and he shot and killed her. He sits remorsefully in prison.

    Do not believe you have any control when he is out of control. Get away. Lamp shades can be replaced. I am sorry for you, and for the boy. I pray for peace in your household.

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  2. I was just talking to someone about this, and trying my best not to project it into my future. The idea of institutionalizing my kiddo makes me SOOOO sad. *hugs*

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  3. Oh Kim. You have done so much for the boy. But the mister is right. You need to make your home a safe haven for you. I don't think detention is the place, but like your other commenter said, there are places you can have them go. It doesn't mean that you are a bad mother. You and he both need to have a time out. (((hugs)))

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  4. Kim, I'm with Dazee on this one. I think that you have exhausted every possible remedy for every possible scenario, and you would probably do it again before you would ever think of relinquishing your control/custody per se of him. If there is a place where he could visit a few times a week, that might give you both a break.
    My prayers go out to you.

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  5. Oh Kim. I'm so so sorry. I always feel hopeful that the Boy is on the right track and then something like this happens. I don't have the answers for you (I wish I did) but it sounds like you need to take some steps to keep both of you safe. Sounds too like he was targeting the Mister, which would turn even more volatile. I wish I could wave a magic wand and do something to help you. You've done so much for him and this is what happens. Hang in there and I hope you can find a solution that will work for both of you. Hugs.

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  6. I sure feel for you Kim, wish I had some good advice, but I'm clueless. I agree with the others that you need to be safe. Sending love waves your way.

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  7. New here.. sorry this happened to you ..mister is right, you have to stay safe. Whatever is going on, you seem determined to help the boy. To do that, you must stay safe.

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