July 24, 2009

The Big Sucking Time Waster That is Farm Town!

I don't know how many of you lovely readers use Facebook, but there's an app there that will rock your world and rule your life if you get involved in it.

Farm Town, on the surface, is a cute game where you buy seeds, plant and harvest crops, and work on your humble little farm. You can even send cute little farm animals and fruit-bearing trees to your friends every day (just to suck them further into the muck).

Don't let that Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm innocence fool you: Farm Town is the biggest time sucker that every existed (well, maybe besides Rubic's Cube, in its heydey. Once you figured out that you could remove all the little colored sticky squares and "reorient" them, the fun was over).

Not that I'd ever done that. I'm just sayin'.

Farm Town is a pyramid scheme. You are rewarded for sucking "neighbors" into this den of futility. You earn experience points which allow you to purchase seeds to grow better crops, which bring in more cash at harvest. You'll then be able to buy more bling, and send even better gifts to your neighbors.

As you progress, your score is displayed on the screen, as well as the scores of all your neighbors. In this way,it becomes one big competitive clustersomethingIbetternottype.

So, you start out, planting and harvesting, and minding your own business (but watching what levels your "friends" have achieved. You think, "How effin' boring. I'll never get to level 26; that wench must be on this game 24/7!"

But no, the wench just knows how to work the system. Logic would tell you that by working diligently, and harvesting all your crops at their peak of freshness, you'd make the most dough.


You amass big bucks and hasten your ascent, experience-wise, by allowing some other flunky to plow and harvest your crops. It's akin to bein
g on the streets near the farms in San Diego county. You go to the nearest Ralphs' parking lot marketplace and hire some undocumented worker eager farmer to do the work for you. Logic would tell you that this little transaction would cut into your profits...au contraire. The more you allow others to do the dirty work, the more you profit from your crops (and you avoid paying those pesky payroll and income taxes). And the eager farmer takes home some coin, too, by working for you (Then he returns to the one bedroom apartment he shares with 14 other illegals).

The marketplace is a teeming pit of humanity, all of them begging for work.

While you are busy farming, you can earn the pri
vilege of buying yourself a home. The smallest home, which resembles a modest 1950s ranch on a cement pad, costs $70K.

Even Farm Town has its housing crisis.

Let's say Farmer Brown is having financial difficulties, and he has to dump his house in order to survive. If you try to sell your house, you will receive a whopping 2100 coins! Remember, you paid $70K for it. What a ripoff! You pay for fences, barns, wagons, and even dirt paths (one would think that just walking on that God-f
orsaken soil would cause a path to form...nope, ya gotta buy one.

Here's a pic of a pimped out farm:

Note how the farmer put a dollar sign ($) in crops on her field (upper right hand corner).

My stepdaughter got me into this Farm Town mess, and now even The Mister is playing. He signed up for Facebook just to play this game. And in three days, he has amassed more money by working as a flunky than he has by planting his measly beginner crops. He has figured out the system - and I am sore afraid. I'm afraid that he'll attain a higher level than I do...I WILL not let that happen!

This game is so addictive that I now plan outings around harvesting times.

"I must get home, I have sunflowers to harvest!"

"I'm sorry, Boy, I can't take you to the ER right now. Sit down and take that railroad spike out of your head and put a towel on the gaping wound - my raspberry crop is ready!"

If you return to your farm after your crop has ripened, and you take too long to harvest it, the crop goes to waste. Your plots are filled with dead vegetation. You just wasted the cost of plowing and planting the seeds. Shame fills your heart.

I am not offering to be anyone's neighbor here. If you too have succumbed to the hell that is Farm Town, don't look me up.

You will discover that my real name is NOT June Freaking Cleaver...I hate to hear illusions shattering like that.

And for you Farm Town players: I found the perfect way to get attention from potential employers in the marketplace simply by typing this message:

I need work. I have a crack habit to support, and twelve illegitimate children.

Works every time! After all, crack babies gotta eat, too, ya know.


  1. I'm obsessed with Mafia Wars and my hubs plays both Mafia Wars and your little farm game. They really do suck you in!

  2. Yup, I do mafia wars. It's like Farm Town, but in the city. Instead of killing crops, you kill Don Guido who just robbed $800,000 from your Marina. That biznitch! I'm on level 150 something. I have someone in my Mafia Family on level 2000 something. He must be unemployed too. :)

  3. I have tried Farm Town but have lost interest after 5 minutes! I am one of the lucky ones

  4. Funny! Sounds like something Bernie Madoff might have concocted. Do you think the creators make any money from it, or are they all about wasting your time?

  5. I was obsessed with the Oregon Trail app but I can never find it. That's probably a good thing. There are too many time suckers as it is!

  6. I have never played, but I am sure I would be addicted. I am addicted to bejeweled on facebook. : ( Great post. Very funny : ) but you are always very funny!

  7. Very funny. I keep getting the invites, but have stayed away. Now I'll definitely hit delete immediately. I don't need any other addictions, since the chocolate is already doing me in.

  8. Love this post!! Read it twice just to get the laughs...crack babies gotta eat too...still laughing...

  9. This is too funny ... but it sounds way too dangerous for me. I don't have any free time as it is ... let alone getting obsessed with planing fake crops. This is just the kind of thing that would suck me in too.


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