July 22, 2009

The Devil's in the Details of Home Cooking

Yesterday, I made this:

Look closely, I'll NEVER make this again, as long as I live.

Any future references to Chinese-Style Rice Salad will be deleted from my PC. I will then scrub my retinas so I will never see this dish again. Pity that I spent an hour and a half (estimated) making this dish (and it did taste okay). It reminded me of an Oriental Noodle Salad I've had before.

Why the sense of alarm?

It contains a very dangerous ingredient. This food causes erratic behavior. It causes marital strife.

The secret ingredient of mayhem? Celery.

You read it here: CELERY.

Celery is evil. Celery must be eradicated. God did NOT create celery, it must come from Satan's Hothouse, it is THAT malevolent of a vegetable.

The Mister DOES not like celery.
The Mister does NOT like celery.
The Mister does not LIKE celery.
The Mister does not like CELERY.

Do you get that?

I didn't know the depths of his odium for celery...I sure do now (even a few neighbors might have heard him).

Even though this satanic salad had brown rice, garlic, peanuts and peanut butter and sesame oil (which is pretty potent stuff), and green onions, carrots, water chestnuts (ewww) and oil and red pepper, all he tasted was CELERY - which I had diced into microscopic pieces. The Mister has some powerful taste buds.

My paltry taste buds didn't register celery at all. I noticed peanuts and sesame oil foremost. And the dreaded water chestnuts.

Whatever. The end result?

Celery is powerful. It makes two adults behave in very childish ways.

An adult may have yelled about the unfairness of it all. After all, I have no love for water chestnuts, but I put them in this stupid dish - I followed the recipe. Sue me.

That same adult then got her purse and keys and took a drive, where she pondered other vegetables. Then the evil that is celery caused her mind to think about other meals where she could 'sneak' celery as an ingredient and not tell The Mister; how she could possibly puree celery and add it to cupcake recipes (ala the 'Deceptively Delicious' cookbook on the shelf).

And then lord the positive results over The Mister's head until he admitted how wrong he was.

That same misguided adult even searched Youtube for songs about Celery (and there are some), and contemplated putting a picture of celery as her desktop background pic.

This stuff is evil, I tell ya!

After celery is thrown in the trash (both in diced and bagged stalk form), it prevents anyone who has eaten it from speaking to each other - it must affect the vocal cords somehow. Part of me is sad that The Boy didn't partake of it, just for the quiet that ensues.

The 'Vegetable That Must Not Be Named' is making me type this post, which will probably result in more bad feelings here with The Mister.

A hint to how my twisted mind works: If I had picked up my debit card before I stormed out calmly left, I would have purchased a lovely celery green tablecloth I saw on sale.

I'm blaming it ALL on the childish behavior side effect.

Here's a link to the original recipe. Try it if you dare.


  1. Not sure how you feel about broccoli in your home, but you really should check out Dana Carvey's song "Choppin' Broccoli"...it's much better than the celery song!

  2. I love your commentaries! Who would have thought that so much could come from a Chinese Rice Salad!! You really should write a book.


  3. My hubs has a few things that he swears he doesnt like and I put them in our food all the time...stealth like

  4. There is just no way you can taste celery with all that other stuff!! I just don't believe it.

    And my husband is the same way about mushrooms.

  5. I threw the printout of the recipe away today (I considered a ritual burning, but didn't want to encourage pyromania).

    I know I didn't notice the celery, but then again, I don't have a pathological dislike of it.

  6. Well how could you!?! That poor poor man...asked to eat celery in a dish filled with other flavorful foods?? So selfish.

  7. Mama Kat,
    What can I say? I'm mean and unreasonable like that.

  8. Celery has caused me grief as well. It once ruined an outdoor concert I was attending.

  9. Oh Celery. My hubs is allergic to it, but only recently. He is allergic to most fruits and a few random veggies like carrots. As of lately he claimed I was "trying to kill him" when I forgot that celery has recently been added to our no list. *sigh*

  10. Celery is the devil's weed stalk. really is,, In Texas it is against the law to eat it,,really is.

  11. I. Love. Your. Blog.

    I couldn't decide on which post to comment on, they're all so awesome. I would comment on all of them but I've got a baby in one hand and a bottle in the other...(how am I typing? Practice!)


  12. Shoulda made pork tacos instead.... I made them for Hank and he loved them. As a matter of fact, he would like anything I made him because I did it with my own two hands. Even yellow squash. He said so himself. :P


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