December 10, 2009

Dear Family, Friends, and Folks I Have No Intention of EVER Inviting into Our Home,

Note: This holiday form letter is prompted by the fun and games presented by Jenners. Please stop by and check out the responses...or write your own Over the Top Holiday letter and link up!

Dear (Fill in the blank yourself), - obviously, I am much too busy to personalize this, that's why it's a form letter. Hard to believe another year has passed. I really don't care about your family, but it's the polite thing to inquire here...blah, blah blah - everything just went dandy for you, didn't it?

Whew! 2009 is drawing to a close...where do I begin? It's been quite a year at the Cleaver compound. We've had unemployment for both The Mister and myself, two weddings, and a short stay in juvenile detention from one naughty redhead. All in all, 2009 sucked!

But since we're the folks who consistently take those lemons life gives us and make perfect lemonade, we've used our free time wisely - and have lots of good news to report for 2010!

Although unemployment has had its challenges, it's also provided us with approximately 3,000 extra hours to spend
together, and time to plan our future. That time has not entirely been spent in the horizontal position in vain...

In January, The Mister will be involved in strategic planning and policy for our Government Healthcare and Jobs program. We've had many discussions at The White House with Barack and Michelle, and they like how he thinks! The Mister and I will be jetting back and forth to DC to oversee th
e implementation to the plan.

We can't really divulge many details at this
point - let's just say that it will make a BIG difference in how little much cash you have left in your wallet every pay day! While in DC, we'll also have time to visit with some very prominent Congressmen and lobbyists, as well as take in all the sights that the Smithsonian has to offer...and make a few bank deposits (thanks, unethical lobbyists!).

In February, you can see The Mister in an episode of Bones, on Fox. He is playing the part of the corpse, before decompositio
n, that

As new Government employees, we will
have all the benefits that some of the other hardworking citizen/servants have - free postage, here we come! Thank you Uncle Sam for that franking privilege! It rocks!

The Boy had a rocky start to the school year, but he's improved so much that he's just going to quit school and join us on our travels. He knows it all already, anyway...why waste a seat in the classroom? It's not like they can teach him anything!

The Boy will also be spending some time consulting for an upcoming TV series about a classroom of children with challenges. He and his agent are working on getting him to direct a few episodes, and he may have a recurring role as "redheaded miscreant" - can you say typecasting? Ha ha ha!

As for me, I have been extremely busy in the Cleaver kitchen! I have created a delicious new, patented chocolate cake r
ecipe that just so happens to have appetite suppression qualities - so far, I have lost 75 pounds! This low-carb, gluten- and sugar-free dessert is of great interest to several major food manufacturers. My legal team is working on the details - you'll soon be able to buy my Nirvana Cake in your local store!

I also have a letter of intent from an international book publisher to publish my blog in book form. We are also in negotiations with several studios about a possible movie deal. Suggested cast?

Brian Dennehy as The Mister,

Kathy Bates as me,

and Erik Per Sullivan (Dewey from Malcolm in t
he Middle fame) to play The Boy.

Those actors will be playing the younger, though less perfect, versions of ourselves, before we got fit and trimmed, nipped and tucked, coiffed and coordinated. Casting for the "thoroughly modern" (hee hee) Cleavers is still in negotiation (Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep and Rupert Grint have all expressed interest). Fingers crossed for us, ok?

Oh, and we're closing on our new McMansion in the upcoming month. The address will be given out on a need to know basis...don't bother watching your mailbox for an invite.

Our children and grandchildren continued to excel this year. If we are all as blessed in 2010 as we expect to be, we know it's because we're better than you and we deserve it more.

Happy Holidays from The Cleavers


  1. Ooooohhhh...I love it!! And I'm so wishing that your Nirvana Cake wasn't a fantasy ... it is a fantasy right? Otherwise, sign me up for 100 packs of your glorious mix!! And I can't get past how the Dewey kid looks now!! Yikers! This was so fun and so brilliant -- thank you for playing!

  2. Love it! Great letter. And I agree with Jenners, why can't your cake be real???

  3. I simply love the it wrong to include it in my actual

  4. kisartle,
    Feel free to use my closing...'tis the season for sharing - albeit the sharing of meanspirited, hateful sentiments...oh well.

  5. What a fun letter! I love the "need to know" address line. Too funny. Would love it if that chocolate cake was for real!

  6. Love it! My favorite is the strike-throughs at the beginning.

  7. AHAHAHAHA! LOVE it! I especially loved the last sentence:

    "If we are all as blessed in 2010 as we expect to be, we know it's because we're better than you and we deserve it more."

    Perfection! And you really need to make millions on that patented chocolate cake - I'll give you some of my lottery winnings for the recipe. ;)

  8. I am LMAO---this is SO HILARIOUS! I, too, am sad that the cake is only a figment of your imagination. Damn it!

  9. If I receive one more "My life is so wonderful and look at my extraordinary children and husband, too" Christmas card, I think I will vomit.

    I don't know why people write that stuff. How disassociated they must be or discouraged for the dissonance...

    Love your letter.


Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!