January 06, 2010

I'm Trading in My Apron!

Warning: Photo of scantily clad woman follows! Consider yourself warned!

I'm about to embark on a new adventure. I'm considering a new career, one that will allow me to meet legions of lonely, leering creepy adoring stalkers men. After all, in this economy, I am having absolutely no luck in finding a job in my field. It's time to diversify!

It just may take me a decade some time to get ready. And
the motivation for this career change? Why, our very own Jenners, from Find Your Next Book Here. I won her copy of Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper by Diablo Cody from one of Jenners' book giveaways. I'm so stoked! And really, I ask you - Who's a more unlikely stripper than your friend June here?

I'm starting to read the book TODAY; I figure I shouldn't delay my career research a single minute!

Here's my list of tasks to do before I start my new exciting career!
  • Lose an Oprah wagon full of weight
  • Turn the clock back about 34 years, before babies and stretch marks
  • Get all body parts lifted, sucked, tucked and enhanced to overcome the ravages of gravity
  • Dye my hair blonde (apparently, blondes DO have more fun)...can I get confirmation on this?
  • Become a regular reader of Memorize the content on http://www.stripper-faq.org/
  • Find an unlicensed surgeon to perform a lobotomy, effectively removing the burden of dignity and intellect from my frontal lobe
  • Two words: Brazilian wax!
  • Experience the joy of self-tanning creams
  • Install pole and learn how to pole dance
  • Find a geographic area with a predominance of needy, nearsighted geriatric men who haven't laid eyes on a woman since the Kennedy administration, who are blessed with overstuffed wallets and a lot of free time
Oh, I have my costume all figured out, too! What else would June Freaking Cleaver wear but this...

Yep, I typed 'crocheted pasties' in the Search box, and I hit pay dirt! Well, I'm off to Michael's - they're having a sale on yarn and crochet hooks!


  1. Are you going to post pictures of these transformations. Also a video of you practicing on your pole might help us critque your routine. What color yarn are you thinking of going with? Maybe add some rhinestones?

  2. lol, you're hilarious!

    I hadnt even heard of this book but it's definetly going on my 'to read' list.

  3. OK... based on this post, I'm going to rig it so you win ALL my book giveaways!!!

    This was priceless!! Enjoy the book as much I enjoyed this post!

    And if nothing else, you could change nothing and still work as a stripper and make money. As you'll see in the book, there is a type for almost every kind of stipper!


Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!