May 28, 2010

My Latest Social Experiment : June Ventures Out in the Dark

I should start by saying that I don't get out much. Oh sure, I know my way around a grocery store. I can even survive (egads) in a shopping mall (even though my last venture into a mall occurred during George W. Bush's second term). But this week's outing may have me re-thinking this whole "get a life, June" idea I've been kicking around.

Stepdaughter Ruth asked if I'd like to attend a Ladies' Night Out at a local food and drink emporium (ok, it was a sports bar, I was just trying to add a little sophistication). I looked up the bar's Web site, and found these pictures:

 Ok, I don't know about you - but I see well-behaved adults, enjoying good food, good drink and good conversation. It looked, NICE, ya know? And by NICE, I mean 'filled with old people who aren't the least bit ruled by their sex hormones'.

I am confident that NONE of the non-employees in the pics above were at the bar the other night. I found myself facing an experience I shan't soon forget.

I think it may be important to mention that drinks were FREE for the ladies, and that the gentlemen could drink AS MUCH AS THEY WANTED FOR A MERE $12...that should have tipped me off as to the type of event I was attending.

I drove into the very crowded parking lot at about 9:30 pm. I'm not really into crowded places, or loud music. I could hear the 'noise' from the car (I hesitate to call it music - I heard the loud beat of the bass, some muffled hip hop lyrics and a vibration from energy that was almost palpable).

Some of the songs I remember: 
  • Birthday Sex, dedicated to all the folks celebrating their birthdays 
  • Girls, Take Your Mother Effin' Shirts Off (not sure if that was the title, but it was in the lyrics)
  • Go Ahead, Get Drunk (instead of Go Ahead and Jump) 
  • Several songs that used very descriptive terms for sexual body parts
  •  Beyonce's Single Ladies (but I saw no men putting a ring on it)
I get to the door and see that the place is PACKED.WITH.MERE.CHILDREN. When I say 'CHILDREN' I mean young adults, many who are younger than MY ADULT CHILDREN. I see none of the friendly, smiling Baby Boomers depicted on the Web site; instead, I see scantily clad young women displaying body art and cleavage, and young men looking for their next lay girlfriend.

I am carded (yeh, like THAT was necessary), and handed a lovely pink plastic cup. The men are carded and then fleeced of $12 for the privilege of having a go with their choice of numerous young women, and of swilling all the draft and rail beverages they desire.

All I can say is that God must love me a lot, because it only took me a minute or two to locate Ruth in this undulating sea of humanity. Normal conversation is impossible in this din; one must talk directly into the ear of the person you wish to speak to.

Already, I can feel my newly refreshed lungs (after three plus weeks of not smoking) being infiltrated with second hand smoke, and I'm pretty confident that the volume of the music may cause my ears to bleed.

Ruth introduces me to her girlfriend (sorry, but I never did catch her name), we decide to move from the bar area, and hang out near the raised dance floor. Ruth's friend promptly joins in on the fun, and begins "dancing" with men who are complete strangers.

When I say "dancing", I mean performing a simulated sex act while fully clothed. If I'm not mistaken, if two adults do this type of thing in broad daylight, it could result in public lewdness charges. But in this location, fueled by hormones and alcohol consumption, it's just a fun night out.

Ruth's friend has some dandy tattoos adorning her body, and she wasn't shy about showing them. She ended up bunching up her t-shirt under the bottom of her sports bra-type tank top so you could see various and sundry bits of body art from her ribcage to her tailbone. There were many body art aficionados who wanted to view and even touch the masterpieces displayed on her skin. I may be wrong, but it seemed to me that she was getting groped enough that some of that ink might just wear off.

I approached the evening as an anthropologist would - I was observing how these feral creatures behaved in this particular habitat. There was one young woman (mid-20's, maybe) who wore a micro miniskirt so short that she had to tug said skirt down every 22 seconds while she was dancing, lest she reveal her nether regions to the entire crowd (and risk a pubic public nudity arrest). She reminded me of the baboons in the zoo that like to show their brightly colored behinds to human visitors.

I also got to see the natives interact within a family group. There was a tall young man (also in his 20s) who was quite happily "interacting" with females on the dance floor. Periodically, when his hip gyrations became particularly rapid, an older female would approach him from the rear and dance very closely to him (I cannot confirm whether she touched him, but she was awfully close). Upon this contact, the young man would jump away from both his dance partner and the older woman, and laugh nervously.

The older woman saw that I was watching, and came over to me and said that she was his MOTHER, of all people. I can only assume that she was preventing her son from consummating a relationship and adding to the size of the family. For the rest of the evening, every time I saw her dancing, I realized that her ever-vigilant gaze toward her son was in her role as cockblock. This guy would never need to buy condoms as long as mom was around.

So as not to only speak negatively about the young people I saw, a nice young man offered me a stool (it was practically SRO) at his table. He asked Ruth if I was her mother, and then asked her if she was 21, and if I was 40. Even accounting for his likely drunken state, that made both of us smile.

Also, I saw no jealous reactions when dance partners were abandoned and others selected. It was all goodnatured fun - I wondered if competitiveness would rear its ugly head as the clock got closer to closing time.

After about two hours, Ruth was ready to follow her friend home, to make sure she arrived there safely (the friend showed up at the bar a couple of hours before we did, and was well on her way to tipsy before we arrived).

So I survived my first foray into the night life of the Midwestern 20-something adult. I also had Sex on the Beach for the first time - and have NO pesky rash on my girl parts to contend with later.

I think it was a win/win kinda night.


  1. omg, that was freaking hilarious. you have totally made my weekend.

  2. Yeah going out now is not what it used to be o rmaybe it is but I'm not what I used to be. A glass of wine in a place I can be heard is a better option for me.

  3. OMG you are so much braver than I am. I never would have left the car!

  4. That was so hilarious. I love that you made the most of it since you were already there. That mother and son? That's just sick. Really. No matter how open minded I was trying to be I could not even fathom being in the same place where my son was gyrating, much less closing in behind him. wow.

  5. I would not have expected the night you had based on the photos you saw!!! Well, at least your survived your Walk on the Wild Side. It sounds ideal for people watching!!


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