Yep, it's my first Blogoversary...yeah me. And I know you're probably expecting a post filled with sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, expressing my happiness and devotion to all of you who read and comment and inspire me each day (and you all do, I really mean it)...and as much as I'd like to accommodate you, and post some glorious "let's walk down memory lane and share the good times" literary masterpiece, I have a big ole stinkin' issue that I'm dealing with, and I need to vent and ask for your opinion on how I can digitally (and perhaps, legally) kick some female ass (wow, talk about your run-on sentence).
Here's the deal:
Picture The Boy. All adolescent and stuff. Hormones raging, just starting to think that his old mother doesn't know shit.
The Boy has had a Myspace account for a long time. And I'm one of his little friends. He spent almost no time on it until recently. Since he started the account when he was too young to have a legitimate presence on Myspace, he lied his age. He became a 28 year old resident (and accountant, I think) of Burbank, CA. This is important, so stay with me here.
He recently had that account canceled, and started a new account. Still with an incorrect age and location. Note that I was NOT a friend on this new account (but I am NOW, I insisted).
If you visit his new account, you will see that it is filled with pictures of Animaniacs, and Youtube videos of cartoon songs and stuff like that. Not exactly the stuff of pornographic dreams, is it?
Enter the ho bag wench, Wolf Heart. A woman who says she is 20 years old, and from TN. If you read her profile, she's had a rather checkered past, filled with rape, drug abuse, abusive partners, etc. But now she is a born again Christian. Well, lah-di-effin' dah.
Apparently, The Boy likes himself some crazy - cuz the two of them are in contact on Myspace...A LOT.
I had no idea what they discussed at all, until I heard The Boy telling my daughter, on the phone, that "Gretta would wait until he's 19 to meet him", and that "he can't wait".
So, I ever so casually start interrogating The Boy about this Gretta chick. He loves her, don't ya know. And she loves him - and she knows that he is a mere 14-year old.
And I heard how it's all good and harmless, and that they chat about all sorts of stuff - and they like to "role play".
Huh. Role.play. As in sexual roleplaying. Like in "I do this to you", and "now you do this to me" (I happened to see a history of one said "chat" -- Gretta Ho can type some steamy shit. And The Boy's response after said steamy dialogue? He mostly just "blushes").
Aren't cartoon and anime characters all hot and stuff?
Come on, what hormone-crazed adolescent would NOT want to read and participate in this little bit of verbal foreplay? He thinks that her feelings for him are REAL, and likewise, his feelings for her. He's in love! He wants to marry her!
Anywho, as I inwardly seethed, I calmly explained why this nonsense must stop.now.
And this Gretta Ho wench types to The Boy that she suddenly realizes that "she has committed the sin of lust", and that they should just be friends. The Boy, crying now, is so upset with ME...it's ALL.MY.FAULT. He's heartbroken.
And Gretta Ho's crazy ass ex-boyfriend is a bloodthirsty werewolf/vampire type - and if he finds out that The Boy is still a virgin, he'd want to mess up some of that fresh blooded flesh. (At which point, The Boy offers "to get laid right away then").
Can you say STOP THE INSANITY?
You do realize that this is illegal, right? That a 14-year old is OFF LIMITS, wenches? And THIS 14-year old, who is MINE, and whose emotional age is a bit younger? STAY AWAY, GRETTA HO!
Oh, and the lustful Gretta Ho relayed the following message from The Boy to me: "You should really read the Bible, especially the book of Esther."
Thanks for the tip, you skanky Biblical scholar. And my response to her urging me to read the Good Book? "You know, I'm pretty sure God doesn't like pedophiles." Thus ended HER sermon.
So, after some digital ESP (wherein Myspace understands my displeasure at this illegal activity), Gretta Ho's account mysteriously disappears. Again, The Boy is devastated...but not for long, as Gretta Ho reappears with a NEW account (thanks to an abundance of available email addresses).
And we're back at square one. Now the "mysterious Myspace hackers" will have some trouble disabling accounts, for both The Boy AND Gretta Ho - they both have multiple accounts for their little "role playing" sessions. The Boy's multiple accounts are associated with Gretta Ho's email addresses, so there is no way for me to know the password.
I guess The Boy's computer time is over. 'Tis a shame, that.
But a mom's gotta keep the fresh blooded dude safe, ya know.