August 13, 2010

My Wild Kingdom - Mysteries of The Mister

I'm no Dian Fossey, but I do have experience as an ardent observer. For a little over three years, I have been tracking the habits of the elusive Mister. Note: Any resemblance of the gorilla shown in the picture, to any likeness of The Mister, or of myself, to that of Ms. Fossey, is purely coincidental. Photo courtesy of

Unbeknownst to The Mister, I have been compiling data about his habits (some of his more curious habits, I have already shared in posts), in addition to hours of observation and tons of research, I have been able to photograph The Mister in his natural habitat - and even have managed to take a few photos of him in his lair (aka The Man Cave).

I know you appreciate the time, effort and danger that was involved in the pursuit of knowledge of this kind. My research indicates that other adult males of the species may also exhibit similar behaviors; trends have been recorded elsewhere.

I invite you into my Missouri research facility to take a peek of some of my field notes:

Initial Encounter - Dateline: 8/17/07, Columbus, OH
I first arranged to meet The Mister in person (after stalking tracking him online and via telephone) back in August of 2007. We met at the airport in Columbus, OH. I arrived first, so I could set up my field observation station (conveniently located in the food court - even scientists get thirsty, ya know). I maintained surveillance on the arrival gate at the time his flight was to deplane...but no Mister. Thinking that I had indeed been stood up missed my window of opportunity, I sat at the table and buried my face in my book, and made plans to spend my weekend exploring Columbus all by myself.
During my period of inattention, The Mister walked past me THREE times (I noted that perhaps his powers of observation were inferior). It was explained to me that my hair color appeared lighter online - he was not able to identify me from seeing only the top of my head. I did list that deficiency in great detail.

Finally, I looked up at the same time he was scanning the crowd, and voila!, we had our first visual encounter!

I tagged The Mister with a GPS device and led him to the parking garage. Wishing to test his hunting abilities, I gave him the task of locating the rental car (since I seemed to have misplaced it - at least, that's what I told him). As a further cue, I pushed the alarm button on the key - even with the sound of the horn, on three separate instances, I was unable to locate the vehicle successfully. I later wrote a lengthy letter to Chrysler suggesting that they change the decibel range of their horns to a range that could be heard by females of the species. 

As an additional test to see the aggressive nature of the beast, I argued with The Mister about the location of the vehicle based on the horn beep (which I could not hear).

We loaded the car with luggage and got in. After The Mister was safely strapped into the passenger seat, we departed.

I observed some satisfactory socialization habits during our drive. I decided to test him with this question: "Is it all right if I smoke?"

His answer was in the negative. I further strained the relationship by insisting that I was "going to smoke anyway".


I was totally unprepared for his over-reaction!

Much to my surprise and chagrin, The Mister leaned over and attempted to cause a multi-vehicle accident on Interstate 71 BY FORCIBLY FONDLING MY RIGHT BREAST WHILE I WAS DRIVING!

Eager to preserve human MY life (I'm a scientist, dammit), I gave up on my idea of smoking during the drive.

Determined to continue my observations (and plotting a way to get back at him, the cad), I drove us safely to our destination...realizing that my life would never be the same.

Be sure to check back for the next episode of Mysteries of The Mister.

For some perverse reason, I decided to try the Friday Follow thing - so others can read about my humiliation on the highway.



  1. lmbo.. ok so he grabbed your boob to keep you from smoking?? Hmm perhaps he thought he could get something else to smoking lol

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  3. Good story!

    New follower this FFF:

  4. I am your newest follower from the Friday Blog Hop's. I look forward to reading more of your blog!
    Have a wonderful weekend!

  5. OK ... I am loving this!! Too funny!

  6. lmao.this had me laughing...but woooaahhlol

    Thanks for coming by, now following. =)

    Have a lovely weekend!

  7. That is hilarious! I can't wait to hear more!!


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