August 25, 2010

The Psychic Reveals ALL...In a Vague Sort of Way

On Saturday, the ever-gorgeous Tammy (she insists I say she's gorgeous) invited me and her friends over for a psychic reading by the oh-so talented Reba.

I've never been to a psychic. I think it's silly. The Mister thinks it can be evil and dangerous - so there was no way I was going to miss out on that!

Unfortunately, Tammy's friend Sara (not her real name) did not attend. It was her husband Crank's (not his real name, either) birthday, so Sara spent the afternoon washing Crank's balls...

at the local golf course. What a gal won't do for the man she loves! 

Anyway, the amazing Reba is already there when I arrive. She has set up shop in the finished basement.

Before My Reading
As each woman came back upstairs, she would tell some of what Reba's reading revealed (oh, a little psychic alliteration there). There seemed to be a formula - everyone would be attending at least one wedding in the coming year, almost everyone would be remodeling or re-furnishing a room in their home. Every single person received the name of a person who would be important to them.

And most of the predictions had a time limit - if Reba mentioned a number, for example, three (3), it meant the event would occur in either three days, three weeks or three months.

Without fail, all of the women had their questions answered DURING the reading, so they had to scramble to ask alternate questions at the end.
Listening to them recount the experience, I let my imagination run wild. I thought of billowing curtains, the scent of incense in the air and lots of candles. I imagined something EXOTIC.

I've seen my fair share of movies, and seen lots of pictures of psychics. You know, something like this:

Instead, she looked something like this:

Yes, her face resembled that of Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched (but she dumped the bouffant hairdo). I did NOT expect to have my reading done by a stereotypical Midwestern housewife.

During the Reading
I tried to hide my disappointment as I listened to the overly complicated instructions (in my mind) of how to shuffle and cut the deck of cards. I was forbidden from doing the "fancy" shuffle I learned in home room the last week of 8th grade. No, it was the boring shuffle. That done, the reading began.

She first asked my birthdate (and said I didn't look that old); I figured she was lookin' for handsome tip (sorry, Reba). She also asked for The Mister's birthdate. Apparently, in numerology, I am a 3 - whatever that means.

The Mister is a 7. That was a big deal to her, she went on and on about The Mister being a Thinker and a Builder. She asked if he was handy (other than the boob grab when we first met, uh, no, he's not the big handyman). Then she said something that made me laugh...and made me think that maybe she WAS psychic. "Well, it's not like he's going to pay someone else to fix something!"...Madam Reba, you have my attention now.

The Mister (or Who's Reading is This, Anyway?)
More about The Mister. He's never leaving me, apparently. He chose ME - he is pretty happy with ME. Somebody needs to tell The Mister this, because the number of complaints directed my way is awfully high for this level of satisfaction. The only thing I can figure is that he is in a constant state of denial about how wonderful I am.

She also said that The Mister is really intelligent, but I told her that I would not be sharing that with him, because his head is already too big for a hat.

I made some smartass comment about me being lucky...and Reba said, "You don't know how lucky you are!"

I don't know if she can channel the dead, but at that moment, Reba was channeling The Mister, big time! That is one sentence he tells me all the time - about how lucky I am to have him...oh, she left that part out. I'm still liking Reba, but I'd like her to talk about ME...because we all know that the world revolves around MY coccyx.

I'm a Lucky, Lucky Girl
She repeated that I am very lucky, and that the number 2 is lucky for me (ok, 3 marriages, 3 kids...oops). She said that February 2nd was a good day for me. 'Tis true - it's my granddaughter Jordyn's birthday. She implored me to play the lottery for the next month - twice a week, and use the kids' birthdays on the first line, and the grandkids' birthdays on the second line.

I am not a lottery player...and I am married to a non-lottery player. 

Thank you, Mister, for those Powerball tickets you came home with...we didn't win. I plan on playing the lotto for the next month, I'll post later on the results.

Speaking of gambling and wagering (sort of), The Mister and I will make a bet about losing weight - and I will WIN! He did not sound enthusiastic about the possibility...and has brought home junk food with each trip to the grocery store.

Clearly a psychic hater.

The Cliff's Notes version
  • I will get a job - and the number 8 (see what the number means, above, in bold). 
  • The Mister will get a job - number 6. 
  • The name Terry will be important to me - number 5 (I have a brother and a nephew both named Terry).
  • We will buy furniture for a room.  
  • The Mister and I are healthy...gee, guess I had no reason to worry about not having health insurance after all.
  • I will attend one wedding in the next year. 
  • A friend will get divorced in the next year. 
  • I will get a different ring on my finger in the next year. I'm thinkin', of course, the engagement ring I never got, but that isn't happening without the jobs. 
  • We will take a car trip next year - I'm campaigning for Raleigh, NC and the Orlando, FL areas, to see my daughters and families.
More Good News
Someone in the family is having a baby...AND IT'S A GIRL! News to arrive...number 3. Yay, more grandkids! Also, Tammy is supposed to have Irish more babies, baby!

I'll Take 'The Boy's Future for 500, Reba
One of the questions I asked (after she pushed the cards around on the table, Go Fish style) after picking one of the cards...

What do you see in The Boy's future? I told her he's 15. No further info was given.

Reba's answer (or should I say, this is what the card indicated):

In two years, The Boy will figure out what he wants to do with his life.

He will have a 'morbid' (her word) profession: perhaps he'll get into forensics, or embalm bodies, or be the person to pick up dead bodies. He will get jobs making great money, and will someday be the director of a company.

Ya know, the dead don't care if you insult them, and they won't groan at The Boy's corny jokes...Reba may have something there!

Do you think I could learn how to give readings in the next 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months? Why should Reba be the only middle aged Midwestern housewife with this cushy gig?


  1. With both of you getting jobs you'll be in the money and the health insurance, did she mention you'll be buying a yacht or something? Might be an indication you won the lottery!

    Can wait to see how spot on she is or isn't!

  2. At least you were brave enough to go

  3. Im not sure if I could sit through it without laughing!

  4. I think your post title says it all. And I think this stuff is kind of fun ... but I wouldn't take it too seriously.


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