September 02, 2010

Writer's Workshop - 09/02/10 - The Boy Cares About My Happiness

It's Thursday already, and time to participate in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. Give one of her prompts a go, link up your post, and join in on the fun!
This week's prompt: Why were you mortified?  Write about a true embarrassing moment as though it was happening in slow motion.

Being The Boy's mom is often an education in dealing with my own mortification, as well as the discomfort of others. I am confident that if there were a degree program for mortification, I'd be June Freaking Cleaver, DPE (Doctor of Perpetual Embarrassment).

During one of his typical sessions of verbal magic, I will sit and wonder why Warner Brothers and Acme never put this item on the market, because I'd be sure to have been one of their best customers:

Acme Portable Holes

Here is just one fine example of the humiliation I've suffered through intensive course of study I've participated in.

I show up at The Boy's school (a state-approved private special education facility), which I will refer to as "That Waste of Time" (TWOT). I arrive at the TWOT with my panties in a wad (double entendre intended), as I had an appointment to meet with the staff about The Boy's tenure at their fine facility building where The Boy learned absolutely nothing.

I arrive on time, which in Special Ed speak means that I am the first one to show up for the meeting. The Boy is with me, as he was on home instruction had been kicked out of the school. The school psychologist, Dr. I. DontknowathingIjustgivetests (not his real name) greets us in the lobby, and escorts us to our meeting room. We make small talk as the other meeting attendees start to tear themselves away from their important work with disabled children straggle in.

Somehow, the topic of conversation becomes The World's Fair in Flushing Meadow, NY, in 1964. The psychologist mentions something about being there - I say that I visited there on a family vacation. 

I notice The Boy getting visibly excited. I sit silently, the distinct sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach starting to assert itself. I await the pearls of wisdom that will soon be flying out of his mouth. There is a palpable slowing of time when The Boy gets on a roll. My chair creaks as I try to make myself invisible. All eyes are on me, and the wonder child beside me. 

I hear every tick-tock of the clock on the wall.

The Boy, apparently caring only about my lifelong happiness, wants to seal the deal he has worked out in his head already. He takes the psychologist's left hand and lifts it up. He says, "Hmmm, no ring." 

He says the same thing while holding up my left hand. 

"You two have lots in common. A match made in Heaven. Ahhh, I guess my work here is done."

With that, The Boy, feeling satisfied with his matchmaking success, leans back in his chair, hands clasped behind his head, and sighs, signaling the end of the prenuptial negotiations.


I could have cut the tension with a knife. 

I don't recall who begins speaking first. Somehow, the blood that had all run to my face eventually returns to my other body parts. I feel the last of the perspiration trickle down my back. We continue with our meeting. I don't remember anything that was discussed or decided.

I was never so glad to leave a building in my life.

I don't say anything to The Boy until we are safely in our car. "You embarrassed me, do you know that?"

"THAT embarrassed you? I had no idea...I'm sorry."

I'm thinking that the The Boy missed one too many Social Skills classes at that school.

At our final meeting at the school, we showed up with an education attorney. The Boy's attorney asked the teacher a simple, direct question about classroom procedures. The teacher was hemming and hawing, using doublespeak to avoid any semblance of an answer.

The Boy swooped in for the kill. "Mrs. Letsdotheminimunshallwe (not her real name), why don't you stop talking like a politician, and just answer the question?"

I bet the teacher heard every tick-tock of the wall clock that day.


  1. Okay that was funny! Embarassing I am sure!! I could so see that as a scene in a movie!

  2. Maybe I should put in a call to Hollywood! Later, it WAS funny...just not for a while.

  3. Niiiiice! If they actually start selling those portable holes, let me know... I could use some. And TWOT... hilarious! I'm visiting from Mama Kat's and glad I did!

  4. Ha! This was hilarious! Very awkward indeed!

  5. That must have been a very tense moment for you.
    Visiting from Mama Kat.

  6. Oh my gosh, that story will stay with my all day. You are hillarious! What is it about our LOVELY children that make us want to crawl in a black hole? I can't wait to read more of your posts. Have a great day, I know I will- thanks.

  7. Wow! I always have wished that my social filters were not entirely intact. So many things your son gets to say that all of us are probably thinking. Accept for the marriage part. That was probably SO not cool. I have to admit though, I was sorta hoping for a we wound-up-together ending. I'm a romantic-comedy-dork like that!

  8. LOL you should write a book about your son's antics! How funny. I'm sure it was extemely embassasing at the time though. And way to go Boy for telling that teacher to get to the point!!

  9. I. Love. This. Post.

    This whole thing kills.

    (not his/her real name) is what sent me over the edge, just so you know.

  10. So.
    I guess that means you and Dr. Ihavenofrickinclue didn't actually get together.
    Too bad.
    I was imagining the torture your son could have inflicted whenever he came to pick you up for dates.
    Turn about is fair play.

  11. Hahaha.. Yes, it must have been incredibly awkward and embarassing, but must be funny in retrospect..
    Loved your post. Stopped in from Mama Kats

  12. This post was very creatively conceived and made me feel like I want to be on your (and the boy's) team! I think that team of teachers needs a trip to a world's fair to unwind and discover the joy of childhood again -- I think the boy can give them a clue how!

  13. I am not sure if my comment went through or not, but wanted to let you know I found this post very creative AND I want to be on the boy's team!

  14. That is awesome. THe last part...not so much the first part. Too funny.

  15. He is funny! from the outside looking in of course

  16. Oh Lord. I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry. It comes off as very humorous but I can imagine how embarrassing it is at the same time.

    And I love your fake names!

  17. I could hear the crickets chirping while waiting for someone to speak! LOL!

    At least the Boy knows how to embarrass other people too.

  18. What a great story. Not sure whether to laugh or cry so I'll simply say...awesome.

  19. out of the mouths of babes! love that he is already on the politicalese!!!


Thanks for stopping by. I love your comments...I get all warm inside just reading them!