April 03, 2011

Crime on the Rise in Cleaver Neighborhood

Eviction and Assault in Area; One Arrest
Reported by  Eyewitness June Freaking Cleaver

I'm June Freaking Cleaver, and I witnessed the assault this morning. From my deck, across the street from the complex, I could see everything clearly. I applaud the police's professionalism in today's events. As housing is in short supply, and rents are so high, I'm awfully concerned that this crime spree will continue.

Here's my report:

Early Saturday morning, area police were called to a local neighborhood for assistance. A squatter was being served eviction papers at a local multi-family housing complex, and violence ensued. 

The alleged assault suspect, Vinnie Martin, was taken into custody. Martin, age unknown, took flight, and was apprehended a short time later.

Assault charges were filed against Martin. He is currently being detained in the Avian jail. 

Vinnie Martin mugshot, courtesy Avian jail

The assault victim, Maria Martin (no relation to the suspect), suffered minor injuries in the attack. Ms. Martin refused medical attention, and returned to her penthouse. When asked about the attack, Ms. Martin said, "I was never so scared in my life! What's become of the neighborhood, when I can't feel safe in my own home!" (Listen to her complete statement here).

Maria Martin, assault victim

Calm has since been restored to the neighborhood, though Neighborhood Watch captain, Charles Chickadee, reminds residents to be on the lookout for Timothy Squirrel and Eddy Cat, two known fugitives from justice.

Watch for further updates to this story.


  1. You must have been so frightened!

    P.D. Eastman writes a riveting novel with pictures called, "The Best Nest." I suggest you order it from Amazon to process the trauma.

  2. Too funny! Where do you come up with this stuff??

  3. What a riot! Very well written! I can just imagine a normal Saturday night in this neighborhood!

  4. Wow! I don't know what Maria said (I'm not fluent in Avian languages), but it sure brought Bogey (my cat is an Avian language master) on the run to check it out!


  5. The neighborhood can rest easy knowing June is on the case and reporting it all to the world.

  6. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad that you are ok. Great reporting.

  7. I hope the bill for the policemen's services was not high, and that no feathers were ruffled...

  8. Those little peckers, glad you're on their case funny woman.


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