August 24, 2011

The Spousal and/or Spousal Equivalent Survival Manual...Where Is it?

Note: I'm writing this for the ladies. But men, you too can benefit from the information contained herein. 

You know when you're all in love, and the world is filled with rainbows, long-stemmed roses and nobody's breath smells like garlic?

Great, isn't it?

How about after the bright and shiny wears off on your relationship? 

Don't you wish you had a handbook to refer to, to give you tips about dealing with your spouse and/or spousal equivalent?

It's not like every man is just like the last one...they all have their quirks and odd habits. Sure, in the beginning of the relationship, when you still bothered to pretend you were listening when your new love told you how he detested beets, or was allergic to synthetic fibers, you thought there was no problem that was bigger than the love you shared.

Love makes you stupid.

Now that your head has cleared, aren't you wishing you had kept notes? Wouldn't it have been great if you could question his ex about what made him go batshit before he's had his morning coffee? You could have found out just how many drinks it takes for him to go from nice guy to macho asswipe, and finally, to blubbering baby. You could beg his mom to tell you what his favorite comfort foods were when he was mourning his football team's latest loss - but don't you wish you could just consult a book for all that info?

According to statistics, divorce is a real possibility. Come on, take off those rose-colored glasses. The numbers don't lie:

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

And if divorce doesn't occur, death is inevitable. Let's say you kick the bucket first - wouldn't it be nice for your spouse's new main squeeze to benefit from all that you've learned about your spouse?

Help a sista' out.

Right now, sit down and write that manual. 

And if the guy is bad news, spell it out - let her get out before the shit hits the fan.

Don't sugar coat it - get right down to the nitty gritty of toilet bowl and laundry hamper shooting accuracy. Let her know what volume level is needed on the TV to hear above his noisy eating. Tell her what lousy music will be playing in the CD player ad infinitum, and what senseless guy flicks she'll be subjected to watch over and over. 

And by all means, don't neglect weird food/entertainment/sex habits. Keep track of his favorite hiding places, and know the top three locations for lost keys, phone and his missing wallet. Be sure to describe what words, phrases and situations will make him call his love "the evil bitch", or cause him to go crying home to mommy.

Think of the other women...don't they deserve this information? This manual can be your contribution to womankind.

I sure wish I had a manual...don't you?


  1. That's hysterical! I used to say we (or, ahem, the men) should all develop relationship resumes -- including references, special skills, etc.

  2. haha. great points. I think that should be your next novel.

  3. My husband's ex is a true psycho b*tch, I can't even imagine what a manual from her would look like.
    And I'm way too mean to write one for whoever follows me; she'll have to learn the hard way like I did!


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