December 20, 2011

Why I Moved the Christmas Tree Today...Meddling, Masturbation and Muppets

Before the move
I've been pissed off since last night. Happy effin' holidays.

This afternoon, I grabbed the artificial tree at its metal trunk and ever so gently wiggled it foot to the right. Not one ornament broke.

True, the tree's not centered in front of the window anymore, but apparently, it was too far left of center when we put it up.

Want to know how I found out?

Last night:

Ring, ring.

"Hi, Kim. Were you home all night tonight?"

"Hi, Marcia. We didn't go anywhere...why?"

"Well, I got a phone call from Jessie (one of the teenaged girls who live next to us)".

These are the same girls who thought it would be fun to get all affectionate with The Boy so he'd do what they wanted. He thought he was in love. Theirs was the door he pounded on the day he went totally out of control and ended up getting arrested.

Back to the conversation...
"She wanted to know where The Boy's parents were. She said that she and her sisters saw The Boy..."

Here's where I'll edit the conversation to make it PG-rated. My changes are in italics.

"He was sitting at the computer, with a headset on, and he was um, practicing self-love."

"What time was this? I've been sitting in the same room with him the whole time (except when I put clothes in the dryer)."

"Oh, about an hour ago (which would have made it 6:20 pm)."

"Oh, at 6:20, I told him he had ten minutes to finish his game of Toontown and get in the shower."

"I could check the time Jessie called if I hang up. Kim, they said they could see him from their deck."

"Marcia, he wouldn't do that with me in the same room! He even closes the bathroom door when he puts on deodorant! He doesn't even walk around here shirtless! And he had his new Muppets fleece draped on his lap. There's no way!"

There's no way he'd defile his beloved Muppets fleece, which he wouldn't even let me turn into a no-sew blanket.

"Well, Jessie said she didn't want her sisters watching that, so she made them go inside. Her grandma came out on the deck to smoke, but she didn't look through the window."

Tree from outside the window, before the move

The Boy was very upset that they'd accuse him of that. He shut the blinds and vehemently denied it. 

I don't think he did it either. That would be so gross. But I asked anyway.

"Mom, I haven't done that in a long time."

"Boy, I don't care if you do that, but it's a private thing, you need to do that in your room, with the door closed."

"Mom, I haven't done that in the living room since you installed the porn blocker. "

"Good thing I did. Don't ever do that in the living room again."

And I never do it anymore, because I don't have any sexy pictures to look at. And I can't do it - you're always wanting me for something. You never let me alone."

So it's my fault that he can't experiment.

Tonight, both blinds will be open.

Bet those girls can't see The Boy now...but they'll be able to see me, sitting not more than seven feet or so from The Boy, just like I do every night.


  1. Sounds like those girls need to get a life. Geez.

  2. What the FRICK!?

    Sorry you're going through that. Geezzzz... leave the kid alone already! How great that you have that communication with him on the topic. Tommy's 17 and i'm still clueless. I don't know if he's tried.. or not? I don't know. *smh*

    You never leave him Thats what Tommy says to me "go away now please. I want to be by MYSELF" lol

  3. Oh Lord. What a night. I dread dread dread the day when my son discovers "self-love."


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