January 10, 2012

This Year, I Qualify for the Senior Discount at Denny's...and Not a Moment Too Soon!

Linda O'Connell's post inspired today's poem. Go ahead, read her post first - it's way funnier than this stuff.

Oh, If I'd Only Purchased the Extended Warranty
My joints are sometimes creaky
my hip joint is the worst
My right knee aches,
my skin - it flakes,
I'm sure I must be cursed

My body's thermostat is broken
Oh, I'm hot! No, now I'm cold!
I turn down the heat
Then I've got cold feet 
It's not easy getting old

My eyesight's going bonkers
These bifocals have lost their charm
Take 'em off to read,
but to type? There's a need
Maybe I should invest in longer arms

I dribble when I'm coughing
I trickle when I sneeze
A jumping jack?
Oh no, step back!
As wetness spreads down to my knees

I forget where I have put things
I can't find my keys, my coat
Some days I can't fathom
Library books? I know I had 'em!
And where's the grocery list I just wrote?

I make sure I know the location
of the restrooms when I shop
When I cough or sneeze,
it's my thighs I squeeze
'Fore the pee - it goes, plip plop!

So if you see me buying groceries
Squinting so I can see the price
Wave and give me a wide berth
'Cuz for what it's worth,
I'll be headed to the bathroom - twice!

Walking stiff-legged through the canned goods
And lurching past Aisles 9 and 10
My sights set on the goal
Yes, the store's bathroom bowl
Hoping I don't tinkle in my pants, my friend!

As more parts of me are failing,
and the age spots line my skin
I am sure that middle age is crap
And I'd like to give it such a slap
But that won't fix the fix I'm in.

I guess I am determined
to live with these minor flaws
What did you say, my dear?
Oh no, now I've got bum ears!
On my aging body, can I just press PAUSE?


  1. Funny poem and boy can I relate!

  2. Oh Kim, FUNNY! We should go into cahoots writing about old age, I have a few years on you, I can tell you what's ahead.

  3. This is marvelous!! I love it. I could see you being the Shel Silvestein for the menopause set!


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