November 27, 2012

Santa, I Found the Perfect Gift!

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is the missus? I hope the elves are productive and still manage to have work/life balance (that's so important). I trust that Rudolph and the other reindeer are well-fed and ready to deliver packages to the world's children next month.

If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you find a little space in your sleigh for a gift for me? I wouldn't normally ask you, as I am far beyond the age of asking Santa for toys. But sometimes, you see a gift and know that it's perfect from the first moment you laid eyes on it. Then it becomes a mission to make sure that your family gift givers know about the object of your desire.

The Mister and I aren't exchanging gifts this year.

So Santa, you're my last hope.

I need to get some exercise. God (and you, Santa) know how fat I've gotten. I'm out of shape and my stamina is at an all time low.

This sad state of affairs may be due to my internet addiction, and wanting to keep up-to-date on all the news  online and in social media.

I have this need to blog - my readers count on me. I'd hate to disappoint them.

Anything to avoid doing housework, ya know.

And you certainly are aware of my addiction to online games. And then there's my incessant eating due to boredom or whatever. It's not my fault I know how to cook.

Santa, in my effort to make YOUR shopping easy, I thought I'd just send you some links for the type of gift I want.

This gift will be perfect for me. It will allow me to get some exercise and let me multi-task while I get into shape. Talk about efficiency!

I've been well-behaved very good good OK terrible to man and beast this year. Sure, I need to work on my potty mouth and can certainly improve on my rate of completion of housework-related tasks - but all in all, I strive to do my best the least amount of work possible.

Okay, it's possible that I suck as a human being - but wouldn't I look great as a skinny sucky human being after I use my gift?

Click here

If the treadmill is too big for the sleigh, I totally understand. Here's my second choice - I think it will fit a bit better among the crap you'll be delivering on Christmas Eve:

Click here


P.S Can you tell the marketing folks not to put such skinny bitches in ads for exercise equipment? It's not like they got skinny using it - they were already emaciated to begin with.
P.S.S. I'll leave some sugar-free cookies and non-fat milk for you. You are getting quite chunky yourself, jolly bearded man.


  1. I chuckled through the post but snorted tea at the P.S. There are three young males in our office who have taken to standing up to use their computers. They have piled boxes high trying to get the right eye level. If only they would move their feet like they move their mouths. I can send them over to arrange a treadmill of sorts.

  2. This would be the perfect gift for all us social media addicted need to lose weighters!!! Hope Santa comes through! (Of course, you could just ask for "miracle weight loss." Santa IS magic you know!

  3. wow, those are incredibly awesome. I hope that Santa brings you one of each. Yeah, because you deserve them both and stuff.

  4. Kim, I'm with Linda....laughed all the way through this! I saw a story on TV recently about some offices installing the "treadmill work stations" for employees. I don't know how the heck anyone could walk and type, or walk and read, at the same time. About all I could do would be talk on the phone! I'm too klutzy to even attempt that other stuff! :)

  5. Exercise will only make you hungry


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