September 21, 2014

That One Time I Was Far, Far, Far Out of My Comfort Zone

About a month ago, I received a Facebook invitation from Tammy. When I clicked the link, it said, "Tammy is Having a Granny's Night In!" 

For an instant, I thought Tammy's job at the nursing home had gone to her head. 

Why would she want to socialize with the old ladies? And does this invitation indicate that am I now an old lady?

Then I read the event's description:

Pure Romance Party 
~Mama's Family Style~

Dust off your aprons and come join us for some homemade pie and other tasty treats. We will view Becky's great line of Pure Romance products as we are decked out in our best old lady garb. This is sure to be a fun time had by all. Leave the kids at home and BYOB.

She included a big picture of Vicki Lawrence as Mama from Mama's Family as an example:

We were expected to dress like old ladies, not be old ladies. I am an old lady, so I came as myself. I wore an apron and slippers in solidarity.

Here's a picture of Tammy and Ruth, dressed in their Granny finery:

But the style of dress wasn't my problem - it was the fact that I would be attending a sex toy party - with my stepdaughters and their friends, and that all of them would be liquored up. Who knew what perversions they'd discuss?

In the past, Tammy's invited me on a group winery trip, and I participated with her friends when a psychic came to tell us of our futures, so the problem wasn't the company.

What got me nervous was the thought of an open discussion about s-e-x with women decades younger than myself.  I am so uncomfortable with the subject that I don't even talk to myself about sex. I surely wasn't ready to get down to the nitty gritty about it with anyone else.

The evening's activities started out with a game of charades. Divided into two teams, each one of us acted out the phrase that was printed on our selected slip of paper. I had "obscene phone call", and managed to convey the concept (and scored the only point for our team). The team of perverts standing across the living room from us had better luck, successfully acting out "crotchless panties" and "belly dancing".

Some Pure Romance products were artfully displayed on the dining room table - the very table we will sit at for our family Christmas dinner. I'm not sure I'll be able to look at the holiday decorations in the same way ever again.

Lotions, gels and lubricants were passed around the table. We were instructed to apply scented items on our left arm while the flavored potions were to be put on the right arm. Soon we looked like wild animals, tasting and sniffing the array of emolients that we sprayed, dabbed and rubbed into our skin. I may have heard some lip-smacking, but I could be wrong about that, as my heart was pounding so loudly in my ears I couldn't hear much of what was said. It was scandalous.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the "hardware" was presented. There was a whole lot of humming going on as vibrating phallic symbols of various sizes, shapes, colors and configurations were inspected and passed around. 

I thought silicone was only used in breast implants and baking utensils, and that rotating ball bearings are under the purview of auto mechanics.  Go figure.

Apparently, glow-in-the-dark and USB-enabled items are also available.

Truth be told, after a few minutes of initial discomfort, I was encouraged by the open discussion that was going on around the table. It was refreshing to see that these women are able to discuss their desire for a healthy sex life in such an open-minded way.

Twenty years ago, I'd have been too embarrassed for such frank discussions, prude that I was. Now, not so much.

When I arrived at home, I took the catalog into the bedroom and asked The Mister if he wanted to look at it.

He had no interest at all. I guess he's taken my spot as the family prude.

As I perused the catalog's offerings by myself, I realized that I'd like to be the technical writer for the Pure Romance company - imagine the product descriptions I'd get to write!


  1. When I read, "Truth be told, after a few minutes of initial discomfort..." OMG I thought you'd inserted something! So, what did you buy?

  2. You could write flowery phrases about things that whir, like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld wrote gushing lines about clothing for Peterman.

    What a party that was! It reminds me of the get-together in the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes," a get-together that prompted the Kathy Baker character to use a a way she never had before.

    This was deep and funny at the same time, Kim. Your posts are ALWAYS welcome.


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