October 16, 2016

I Want to Go On a Murderous Crime Spree - Come Along for the Ride!

Haven't  you always wanted to be a serial killer?


Me either...until now. It's high time I cull the herd.

Now before you alert the authorities, let me explain.

I'm trying to write writing a novel. My victims will only be real on paper.

Whew, there, I put it in print. Now it's a fact.


I've made a commitment - I expect you all to hold me to it...but don't become naggy bitches - that never works with me. I'll end up rebelling against all of you and never type another word of the story.

My protagonist is a female serial killer. She is NOT going to kill 'em with kindness.

Here's where I'm finding myself wavering. I know that this may be hard to believe, but I've never tortured and killed anyone...yet, though I must admit that I've had some revenge fantasies...but I digress.

What prompted this writing goal?
I was asked to join a critique group. The members are excellent writers, and are so encouraging and positive about writing. Writing is their thing. I want it to be my thing, too. I intend on taking full advantage of this opportunity.

You can read their blogs: Linda, Lynn, and Sioux. I'm not sure Laura has a blog. Lynn was nice enough to send me a book "Without Conscience" about the ins and outs of being a psychopath. There aren't many female sociopaths...I figure one more won't hurt.

With the critique group, I feel successful and accomplished (and I keep telling myself all these positive lies and/or affirmations daily). I want to expand on this era of good feelings and work on this writing goal.

Problem is that I'm afraid of the Google searches I may have to do (and worry about alerting Homeland Security or the FBI with my search history).

So, I'm coming to ask YOU for advice: What is the most excruciating murder method you can think of? It needs to be slow and painful...my character wants to enjoy the experience. 

If any of you have personal experience knowing or being a homicidal maniac, that would be so helpful to me.

The Boy has given me some tips. He will come into my office (oh yeah, I have a home office...squee) and say, "Mom, let's play a game of Hide the Body. I'll go first. I have a bathtub full of sulfuric acid and a bone saw ready."

Maybe the authorities need to look at HIS search history. He said that was one of Jeffrey Dahmer's methods when he was not hungry for some flesh.

Then, today, I saw this image on Facebook, and realized that I'm not the only one who has these macabre thoughts:

Let's do this, shall we? It won't hurt a bit...


  1. Did you watch Breaking Bad? There was an episode where they dissolved a body and the one (inexperienced) character tried to do it in the bathtub, even though he'd been told to used a plastic tub. The stuff dissolved the bathtub (it would have been fine in the Rubbermaid) and the tub and body fell through to the bottom floor. So, be careful of the containers you use.

    There was a campy horror film (The ??? Motel... I can't think of the name of the movie) where the victims were "planted" in the backyard of the motel--up to their necks--and were fed and watered until they needed them dead. Then I think they were starved and made into sausage.

    Body Double had a scene where someone was drilled into by an electric drill--through the ceiling. You could pick unimportant parts to slow it down.

    I think if you show them (the authorities) your manuscript when they pull you in for questioning--along with your drafts that are written on by your critique group--they might let you go right away.

    Or, you could let them keep you. Prison (I think) allows you lots of writing time. You have a small space to keep tidy. No interruptions from any husbands or sons. And the cherry on top: you might have a roommate or colleagues who could help you with plot ideas.

    I will try to do some research for you, although I don't think you need the help. You seem to be doing quite well on your own. In fact it's eerie and creepy and chilling how spot-on your serial killer seems.

    Maybe I need to call 911...

  2. Sounds like Sioux could be your adviser on this one. She has a wood chipper, I think.

  3. Oh, I DO have a wood chipper, and you could feed non-essential parts into it... one at a time.

  4. This is not a genre I would be of any help, thank goodness :-)


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